


sink into you like water (pray you won't pull me under)

by Valkyrees



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Kara's the world's best cave diver, Lena's a lovely cave researcher, Lots of Angst, Smut, They are, They're Divorced, hints at depression/anxiety/panic disorder, lena being trapped in a cave, lots of fluff, mention of caving accidents, mild ptsd/nightmares, underwater cave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-03-29 14:09:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 38,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19021525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valkyrees/pseuds/Valkyrees
Summary: +"How hard can it be?" Kara asks, smiling as she wraps her arms around Lena's waist, pulling her in so she's snuggled against Kara's soft, soft shirt. "Weweremarried for five years, you know. This should be a walk in the park.""If it werea walk in the parkwe wouldn't have gotten divorced," Lena points out, pushing herself away and trying to ignore Kara's bright eyes and glistening lips and the lovely, familiar way she smells. "Seriously, pretending to be married might be harder than you think.""It's just one week, okay?" Kara pulls Lena back in, warm hands slipping lower and grazing the skin beneath Lena's t-shirt, and. It's not fair how much Lena's heart flutters at the touch. "We just do a couple interviews, take a few pictures, and then we go back to our own lives. It'll be simple. Easy. Promise."OR,a [Fake Dating AU] in which Kara rescues Lena from an underwater cave, it turns into one of the biggest media frenzies of the year, and they somehow get branded America's Sweetest Couple by the public. Except, they're not actually a couple, they're divorced.





	1. one look and i die, heaven in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> this fic/idea was, in part, inspired by the movie sanctum. 
> 
> i've attached a picture for visual reference, as Lena is trapped in a cave at the beginning of the story. in order to access the cave system they have to go down into this massive hole in the ground (top image), and the section Lena's trapped in looks a little like the bottom image, but with a higher ceiling. so she's able to wait somewhere not underwater.
> 
> This should be clear from the story, but thought i'd provide the picture for ease/reference, and to help visualize a little bit. 
> 
> as always, thanks a ton for reading and especially for giving this story a chance. it means a lot <3 <3 <3
> 
> [ **Additional Warnings** ]: anxiety/panic when Lena's trapped in the cave, mentions of hypothermia, fear of dying, very mild ptsd, panic attacks, annnnd think that's it--let me know if more should be added.
> 
> HAPPY PRIDE MONTH.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/mTgDmd3)

**\+ Part 1: The Rescue**

It feels like her head's whirring. She's been exhausted from the lack of oxygen for hours now, headache throbbing against her temples from how hungry and air-starved and _tired_ she is, but she can't sleep. She can't sleep because her brain won't turn off, _can't_ turn off.

It's like she can't get comfortable, can't figure out how to navigate this situation for the life of her. 

Lena Luthor is skilled at a lot of things, but breathing CO2-saturated air in an underwater cave is not one of them. Neither is surviving on zero food for nearly two days, or figuring out how to stop her limbs from tingling like they'll fall off from the cold.

She's really shit at doing all of that, not skilled at any of it, and things are definitely, definitely  _not okay_.

Wait,  _no_ , fuck.

"Things  _are_ okay," she says to herself, breathing in shallowly and curling her fingers against her belly. "Everything is okay."

It doesn't do much to calm her nerves. She still feels edgy, unsettled, _sick_. This is a clusterfuck on a higher level than she's ever experienced before. In all her years of doing cave research and dealing with weather, she's never seen forecasted light  _sprinkling_ turn into a full-on cyclone. 

She's never been on the receiving end of a horrible caving disaster, never experienced this sort of panic before. She's never had to think about alternative life-ending strategies because freezing or starving sound like terrible ways to go, never been this close to actual, literal _dea_ \-- 

" _No_ , no. Calm thoughts. It's going to be okay. It's okay," Lena repeats, more firmly this time.

But, it's not, is it?

She wants to keep her hopes up, but it's hard. It's so hard, especially when it feels like the universe and  _this_   _cave_ is against her. She expected a little rainfall, is her point, expected the cave to fill up a bit, maybe raise the water level in the main area, but nothing immediately _alarming_.

Sure, she descended into a giant hole in the ground to explore an elaborate mostly-underwater cave system,  _yes okay_. She wasn't trying to do a big dive, though, mostly planned to stay on the above water bits and collect mineral samples. Then the storm came and fucked everything.

The storm that wasn't even forecasted, the storm that nearly killed her and everyone still down in the cave. The one that filled the cave with water, the one that pushed her deeper into the cave than they've managed to explore, pushed her into a dive she was hardly prepared for.

She didn't expect that. She didn't expect to get separated from the people with actual experience being down here, didn't expect to spend her last moments alone and scared in a place that no other human being has ever shined a light before.

She didn't expect _any of this_ , and she's quite obviously being punished for her massive lack of foresight.

"Fuck," Lena says. "Fuckfuck _fuck_ , this isn't good."

She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to stay calm. Thinks about her body instead, circulation, tries to flex her toes. She can barely feel them with how much the chill has set in, but if she keeps moving them, keeps the circulation flowing, then this'll still have a good ending.

"Just be calm, stay calm, think positive things," she whispers, twisting her fingers together, keeping them as warm as she can. She was smart enough to wear a wetsuit, at least, so that's definitely saved her a bit.

She was also lucky enough to end up in a chamber of the cave not completely submerged, one where she could peek her head out of the water, lucky enough to find a large, flat rock she could pull herself up on to stay dry, lucky enough to find water at the surface of the lake that's drinkable.

But she knows that doesn't mean much for her down here, knows her light doesn't have much life left in it, knows she needs to eat something soon, knows she's cold enough that she's probably near hypothermic right now.

She shouldn't be down here, doesn't even have the proper skillset. She knows this, knows bad shit can happen and it can get dangerous very quickly. So she hates that she actually got herself into this position in the first place.

She usually isn't one to go down into the caves when they're exploring them, leaves that to the  _actual_  divers, but this cave was so deep and beautiful and extraordinary, and she just--she should have fucking stayed above ground is what _she just_.

Now she's _trapped_ , and the worst part of this whole dumb stupid crazy experience is that-- _no, no, no_. She's getting too worked up, needs to stay calm, stay calm and she'll survive. 

"It's okay," Lena says again, raking a hand through her hair and trying to take as deep a breath as she can. "You're okay, you're fine. It's okay."

There're maybe a thousand reasons why her current situation really, spectacularly sucks, of course.

But the biggest reason, the one that Lena can't stop thinking about, the absolute shittiest part of being trapped over three-hundred meters down in an underwater cave, is that the only person skilled enough to get her out is Kara Danvers.

In fact, she's pretty much certain Kara  _is_  going to get her out. She just knows it; right down to her core she knows that Kara's on her way, knows that Kara probably jumped at the chance to come and get her, the chance to  _rescue_  her.

She knows that Kara will show up any minute now and be cute and smiley and  _helpful_ , with her dumb pink lips and stupid messy curls and the ridiculous way she still looks good even in all her diving gear.

And Lena knows—she  _just fucking knows_ —she's never going to live this down.

She also knows that when she's done pushing her emotions down, when she no longer needs to stay calm to survive, when she actually lets herself  _feel_ it, lets herself acknowledge that _if_ she gets out of here she's only just narrowly escaping death--

Kara's going to be the only one she wants to hold her, the only person she wants to see, the only person that can make her feel okay again.

And, considering she ran away and mailed Kara divorce papers six months ago with a note that said she never wanted to see her again, work with her again, or hear from her again--that really fucking blows, too.

But, right now, she's just trying to be positive, hopeful. Trying to relax knowing that Kara would drop any and everything to come and save her. Trying to relax knowing that Kara is entirely too fucking stubborn to  _ever_ let Lena die in a cave, not when she can do something about it.

 

Her light goes out a couple hours later, and it's in the sheer horror of the darkness, the sheer horror of realizing she has no way of navigating to the drinkable water without a light, that she remembers the dumbest thing of all--her fucking _necklace_.

It's stupid, really, something Kara gave to her while they were still married, something Lena still wears every single day even though she's convinced herself she doesn't need Kara anymore. Something she's currently wearing around her neck, tucked into her wetsuit.

It's a shark tooth, something Kara brought back after one of her dives, except she modified it a bit--added a little mechanism where if Lena clicks the bottom, it lights up. Lights up like a little miniature flashlight.

Kara had been so proud of herself. Lena had always thought it was a little bit dumb, thought she deserved something better than that for their  _anniversary._ But, shit. This stupid fucking necklace is actually what's going to keep her alive a little while longer.

Maybe she'll tell Kara it was a good gift, after all. In fact, she fully _intends_ on telling her how useful it is. She just needs to survive until Kara gets here, just needs to hold on until the rescue, just needs to wait.

She  _knows_ Kara is coming, knows she'll get Lena out. All she needs to do is stay alive.

 

She's right, of course. It's maybe eight hours later (and forty-nine hours into her being trapped), when she hears the bubbles. And then she sees the divers light getting closer and closer in the water, so unbelievable at this point that she almost assumes it's a hallucination.

But _no_ , very, very fortunately, it's just her ex-wife.

Lena never would have imagined that  _this_ would be the way they reunited, but she's  _here_. Kara's here, just like Lena thought she would be.

 

"Hey there," Kara greets her, voice soft _soft_  and low, as soon as she's swam over to Lena and gotten her mask over her face. She climbs up the rock Lena's on with the ease of someone who still has feeling in her fingers, and Lena tries her best to calm her heart from thudding.

"Hi," she rasps back, adjusting to the fact that she's actually alive and interacting with another human being. "Don't ask, please."

"Don't have to. Heard you were collecting mineral samples when it flooded," Kara says, shuffling close to Lena immediately and cupping Lena's hands between hers.

Lena hates how much she _loves_ the touch, the slight warmth, hates how much her heart is twisting, _fluttering_  just from simply hearing Kara's voice. She hates how much she's breaking right now in the comfort of Kara's presence.

It's like, a combination of everything. The first few hours she was down here, she was so hopeful. And then it's like the hope dwindled with each passing hour, so now that Kara's finally  _here_ , Lena's just so grateful she might actually propose to her again right on the spot.

She hates  _that_ feeling.

"Brought you some glucose pouches to get your energy levels up," Kara continues, twisting so she can pull things out of her backpack, keeping close to Lena. "Nearly had a heart attack when they told me you were down here. I mean I know it's been a little while, but--"

"How're you getting us out of here?" Lena interrupts her, watching as Kara pulls out a space blanket, watching as she otherwise keeps her face remarkably calm. Lena's too cold, must be too cold; she's hypothermic and Kara's being calm enough not to freak her out. 

"We're gonna get you out of that suit first and cuddle up for heat," Kara tells her, setting the blanket next them and starting to carefully roll Lena's sleeves over her fingers. "Then we're gonna wait for Alex and the other rescuers to get here with more supplies to guide you out. I was just the search party, see  _if_ we could find--" she cuts off and clears her throat weirdly. "I set the guide wire, so they'll be along in a couple hours. Just gonna take this nice and slow, alright?"

"I feel so dumb," Lena admits, letting Kara unzip her suit and slide one of her sleeves off her arm. "I shouldn't even be down here."

"You can be dumb when we get you out of this cave," Kara says calmly. "Right now you're smart, and you're brave, and you're going to survive this." She pulls Lena's other sleeve off as she says it, slow and careful, then pulls her suit down off her torso, helps Lena tangle her legs out of it. 

Maybe that's true, maybe that's right, but something feels off about this. This isn't the protocol, they're not supposed to both stay here.

"You're supposed to leave me here," Lena whispers, everything in her body fighting her pointing it out. But this isn't the first rescue she's seen Kara attempt, and she wants to survive. "You give me supplies, and then you go guide the other rescuers to me. That's the best way." 

"No. I'm not leaving you," Kara says, jaw clenched tight. She slides the blanket over Lena's shoulders and starts getting undressed herself. Right, fuck, body heat transfers faster if they're _both_ basically naked. "Alex is going to find us. I alerted her. We'll get out of here. Everything is okay."

"Kara--"

"Everything is okay, Lena," Kara jumps in, and it's - it's hard to fight because Lena can  _see_ it in her eyes, can see that Kara believes with a thousand percent of her being that everything will be okay. "Say it, please, for me? I need you to say it out loud. Tell me that everything's okay."

"Okay, everything's okay," Lena gives in, letting her body slump forward underneath the blanket, focusing on Kara and blocking out everything else in her head--the anxiety and worry and negative, negative thoughts. She can't afford those right now, anyway.

"Was that my shark tooth necklace I saw?" Kara asks, obviously a bad attempt at changing the subject. She juts her chin towards Lena's neck.

"It's  _mine_ ," Lena responds reflexively, then adds, to cover the slip, "I mean, um. I used it once my flashlight went out, to guide me to the drinkable water, and just. Just so it wasn't so dark in here, so I didn't freak out. I think it saved me, honestly."

"That's a good girl," Kara beams at her, wide and pretty and lovely and _so_ proud, shrugging out of her drysuit as she says it. "You've done great, sweetheart. Now just let me take care of everything, alright? I'll get us out of here, get you home safe. I promise. Just let _me_ worry about us."

Lena feels too choked up to respond, feels too--she just  _feels_ right now. Everything, too many things, so many things about Kara and letting her take care of her and be there for her. And so she stays silent.

She just watches Kara instead, watches as she strips out of her under layers, watches as her curls fall over her shoulders once they're free from her diving hood, notices how bright her eyes look even in the dull light, how sure she is in her movements, and.

Lena wants to be in Kara's arms; she wants to be held, wants it more than anything in the world right now.

So she all but crumbles once Kara finally joins her under the blanket. Once she finally wraps her arms around Lena and pulls her against her chest, once she settles a hand between Lena's shoulder blades and squeezes her in a tight hug, thumbing softly over Lena's skin.

Lena just. Relaxes. She lets go, nudges Kara and shuffles so she's on Kara's lap instead, wraps her legs around Kara's waist and adjusts the blanket over her legs and toes, then hugs Kara even tighter than Kara's hugging her.

She finally lets her eyes fall shut after that, pushing her entire face against Kara's hair, where it's soft and still smells a little bit like that shampoo she always uses--vanilla bean and jasmine--light and fresh and calming. Comforting. So comforting.

Their breathing syncs up almost instantly, Lena's belly pressed flush against Kara's, and Lena feels so much better than she did ten minutes ago that she nearly starts crying.

"You're okay now," Kara whispers, hands already warming against Lena's sides, arms curled around her back, kissing her skin with heat, _precious_ heat.

Lena just nods at that. She _feels_ okay now, safe, calm, perfect just like this.

 

The rescue takes six hours in total. Alex  _does_ find them, and Lena's given air enriched with oxygen to breathe as she's slowly guided to the entrance of the cave. Kara's right beside her the whole time, even in the ambulance, even in the hospital.

She's just there, calm and solid and sturdy, and never letting Lena's hand go.

 

Lena cries once she sees it on the news in the medical center, cries hard enough that Kara climbs in bed with her, hard enough that Kara has to cuddle her for half-an-hour before she starts to calm down, before she starts to feel sleepy.

She nearly died,  _should have_ died, she shouldn't be alive.

 

She wakes up because of a nightmare. It's the middle of the night and she's entirely too warm, face pressed into Kara's chest, their legs so tangled that Lena doesn't even know which ones are hers.

She's just deciding she's perfectly content with that, when Kara clears her throat and starts talking. "Hey, Lee. You up?" she whispers, shifting to nudge Lena's forehead with her nose. "You want me to leave? I wasn't sure, so I - but I can go if you--"

"No," Lena groans, tightening her arm around Kara's waist and shoving her face in her chest. She'll think about what all this means later, when she's not traumatized, think about how bad this is. But right now she just wants to be right here. In Kara's arms, warm and safe, fucking  _safe_.

"I'm really proud of you," Kara says against her hair, hand warm on Lena's skin where her shirt's ridden up. "I know you're not an explorer, not really, so I'm just--I'm so impressed with you, you know?"

"Impressed with me for nearly getting myself killed?" Lena asks, because that's what happened, isn't it? This could have all been avoided if she'd just stayed away. She wouldn't be tangled in bed with her ex-wife if she just did her actual fucking job in her fucking lab. "Not very admirable."

"You stayed calm, babe," Kara says, breath wisping against Lena's forehead. "That usually takes so many years of experience, so much practice. You thought through the situation, found a good place to stay, and kept yourself alive. You kept this from being a body recovery, and just. Thanks."

Lena's belly lurches at that,  _thinking_ about that--a body recovery. It's what it almost was. Kara would have had to carry her back to the entrance, and -  _no_ , no she can't think about that. "I knew you were coming, knew I just needed to hold on."

"That's good," Kara breathes, soft like maybe she's drifting off. "It's good you know I'll always be there for you."

"Yeah," Lena says, and then drifts off herself.

 

**\+ Part 2: The Aftermath**

" _No_ ," Lena gasps, loud enough that Kara sighs and stirs in her sleep. Normally she'd lower her voice or be more considerate, but right now she doesn't really care if she's being obnoxious because her eyes are positively glued to the bullshit flashing across the TV screen. "This can't be happening. No, no. This is all wrong."

"What's wrong?" Kara grumbles, turning her face so she's pressed more into Lena's shoulder, body tensing as she stretches herself out. "Need me to get the doctor?"

"No, no, not that. It's the  _news_ ," Lena gestures, ruffling Kara enough that she actually lifts her head up. "Have you seen the news?"

"No, sorry. I've been asleep. You should be, too, honestly," Kara says, then scrubs her eyes with her hand and turns toward the TV, taking it in for a second before she decides, dumbly, "They're just reporting on the rescue. There's nothing wrong with that."

"No, they're reporting that Kara Danvers saved her lovely  _wife_ ," Lena emphasizes, not sure why it feels so bad, so  _wrong_ to her, but she can't stop glaring at the headline flashing across the bottom of the screen and feeling some kind of way about it.

Ugh.

"All the news reporters are going on about our love for each other and how amazing you are and what a lucky woman I am, and - Kara,  _Kara_. I'm being serious. Open your eyes, the whole world thinks we're married."

"It's not a big deal," Kara groans, settling her face against Lena's shoulder again, getting comfortable again. They shouldn't even be in bed together, Lena knows that, never should have asked her to stay or opened this whole can of worms and feelingsfucking _feelings_.

It took her long enough to finally get over Kara the first time, but--fuck,  _fuck_.

But Kara smells so good and she's so warm and Lena wants her here, so. So what, alright? It's fine. She'll kick her out later, when it's more convenient.

She was trapped in a dark hole for ages, after all, she's allowed to enjoy herself a little, let Kara take care of her and cuddle her. It's only fair. "We need to find Cat. She can fix this. She's always been good at handling the media."

" _Lena_ , seriously," Kara sighs, massaging her hip underneath her t-shirt. "This whole thing is going to blow over in a week, so what if people think we're married? It's really not a huge deal."

Okay, fine. Maybe it's  _not_ a big deal. Maybe this whole thing will blow over just like Kara said. Maybe the news will fix the issue once they actually source and verify their information. But, for some reason, it's still not sitting right with Lena.

It's just--even if she  _is_ currently snuggled against Kara in bed, and even if she _does_ need her now like a kid needs her security blanket--she _divorced_ Kara, started to move on with her life, built herself up without Kara's help, and that should be recorded and put on the official record.

"You can stay in bed, then," she settles on. "I'm going to find Cat and ask if she can get it to the media that we're divorced."

Kara lifts her head again, frustrated crinkle settling between her eyebrows. "I literally risked my life to save yours after you _mailed_ me divorce papers, cuddled you through your tears last night no questions asked, and you're torn up over misinformation about our marriage on the news?"

"It's important to me," Lena frowns, blinking widely and absolutely not acknowledging any of that. She's not sure why this feels so important, but she knows it is and she's sticking by that. Knows it's stirring up something hot and unsettling in her belly. "Can we just talk to her? Please."

"Yeah, yeah. Fine, course we can," Kara softens, giving in just like clockwork once Lena puts her frowny face on. Some things don't change, Lena supposes. "You really should rest first, though, need to get your health back to where it was."

That's probably true, but Lena wants this over with. "No, have to nip it before the second news cycle," she says, already twisting so she can throw her legs over the side of the bed. "This whole thing'll be settled before lunch. You're buying, by the way," she adds. "I'm feeling like burgers."

She can hear Kara giggling behind her, putting a large hand on her side as Lena sways a bit when her feet touch the ground. "At least let me help you up. I know you're strong and undefeatable, but you went through a lot these past couple days, alright?"

"Strong and undefeatable is your thing," Lena retorts, settling her butt back down on the bed anyway. Then she laughs as she says, "Fucking _Supergirl_. Bit pretentious, isn't it? Once you think about it."

"I don't know," Kara laughs, climbing from the bed and standing in front of Lena. She doesn't even bother to outstretch her hands, just hooks them underneath Lena's arms and lifts her. "You can ask Cat when we see her, she's the one that gave me the nickname."

Lena tries to think of a good comeback, but Kara releases her to support her own weight and suddenly her head starts swimming, feels like she's underwater--nauseous and hazy, dots prickling her vision like she might pass out.

It's such a sharp rush of feelings, that she sways a little, then figures her best option is to lean against Kara until Kara wraps her arms around her and supports most of her weight. "So we tell Cat, get everything fixed, then come back to bed for a nap?"

"We?" Kara lifts an eyebrow, smiling in a way that's going to get her in trouble. "I might have other things I need to be doing, since you're so insistent that we're not married."

"Because we're  _not_ ," Lena reminds her, then tucks her face against Kara's neck and adds, "I almost died, remember? And had a nightmare last night, and it's not easy for me to need you, but I do. Just, this once, in this weird one-in-a-billion situation. I need you here, okay?"

"Sorry, sorry, I'm not going anywhere." Kara brushes her lips against Lena's hair, and then snaps her head back, like she's just remembering she can't kiss Lena. Lena'll let it slide since  _she's_ the one being confusing. "Was just a joke. Let's find Cat, yeah? Make this whole thing okay."

 

"Have you seen the news?" Cat asks, as soon as they enter her office. Lena's just about to express her frustration, when Cat smiles and adds on, "This is great, excellent. I've already gotten a dozen calls from people requesting interviews, people interested in funding the project. Everyone wants to meet, talk to, and support Kara Danvers and Lena Luthor."

"That's great," Lena smiles, because they  _are_ due for additional funding, especially after how much equipment they probably lost in the storm. But there's a bigger matter at play. "I don't mind interviews at all, but was wondering if you could somehow let the media know we're divorced?"

"No," Cat says, with a finality that makes the hairs prickle on Lena's skin. "People are calling  _because_ you're married. Because Kara's suddenly America's Sweetheart that went into the world's deadliest cave during shit weather and saved her _wife_. No one cares about divorced lesbians."

"Okay, but we are actually divorced, and--"

"Lena," Cat stops her, rolling her eyes like this is a frivolous conversation, like she's not casually suggesting they let the whole nation believe they're _married_. "This _will_ be forgotten in a week, you'll be old news and a new thing will capture everyone's attention. Kids rapping Cardi B or something."

"Told you," Kara whispers. 

Lena rolls her own eyes, and nudges Kara in the ribs with her elbow.

"We need to milk this," Cat continues. "Discovery channel is already working on an underwater cave docu-series. People  _care_ about what we're doing right now. We could be funded for the next ten years if we do this right. All you have to do is swallow your pride for a week."

"No I refuse to go on national television, if that's what you're suggesting, and lie to--" Lena takes a step forward and it feels like her world comes crashing down. Literally. She's crashing to the floor.

Kara's there to catch her, though, getting her arm behind Lena's knees and lifting her up in a bridal carry. "We can have this conversation later," Kara tells her. "We'll be divorced for the rest of our lives, always have time to fix this. You need to rest."

"Mm," Lena hums, resting her head against Kara's shoulder. "This conversation isn't over, Cat."

"It is for me," Cat says, and then Kara walks Lena out of the room before she can respond. Which is probably for the best, since she had some real choice words for Cat fucking Grant.

 

"I'm gonna go talk to Cat alone, alright?" Kara massages Lena's shoulder and snugs the sheets right below her chin, sunlight from the window sparkling in her hair. "She has a soft spot for me. I'll get this figured out, and everything will be okay. Promise."

Lena settles her hand on top of Kara's because she doesn't like how that sounds, doesn't like that Kara looks like she's going to leave soon, doesn't like that she didn't get back in bed with her. "We can settle it later, like you said. Let's just take a nap now."

"Lee, sweetheart--"

"I don't feel good, don't wanna argue, Kara." Lena turns in the sheets, pulling Kara's hand with her to let her know she wants to be spooned. "Can we not, for a few more hours at least?"

"I'm not trying to argue, I'm just, you know," Kara says, pulling her hand away. Lena feels cold, so  _so_ cold, suddenly. "I read this thing on my phone last night while you were sleeping. There's this like, thing, where people fall for the people that rescue them, and--"

"Maybe Cat's right," Lena says, flipping over in the bed, just as Kara says, "Maybe I should go."

"Wait, what do you mean?" Kara asks, confusion etched clearly on her face, but also... maybe it's just wishful thinking, but Lena can  _swear_ she's registering some relief. "Right about... us lying for a week? About being married?"

Lena sits up and grabs one of her pillows, cuddles it against her stomach in case another wave of nausea comes. "We've been so stretched for funding lately," she shrugs. "And like, having supplies and  _good_ equipment could be the difference between our divers living and dying."

It's a low blow, she knows it is, knows Kara's always on board with diving safety, knows Kara has a soft spot for cave projects and believes they're doing the lord's work. But Lena doesn't want her to go, can't let her go. If she goes, then Lena has to think about the cave.

She doesn't want to think about the cave, or how scared she was, or feel anxious or unsafe or paranoid. She's always been safe with Kara, always trusts Kara will make sure things are okay. She just needs that for a few more days, until she's okay again.

"You don't have to do this, Lee. You're the most selfless person I know, but you don't have to take  _this_ on your shoulders, too. I know how important it is to you that people know we're not together."

Dumb dumb dumb, Lena's so dumb. She should have just kept her mouth shut. Being married to Kara wasn't even a bad thing,  _wouldn't_ be a bad thing, and. Fuck, this is a terrible idea.

"It's just a week. I'm a big girl, and this'll be huge for us, for  _me_. I finally feel like I'm doing good work, good research. This is a good project."

"I don't know," Kara says, like she's  _so_ concerned, and for what? She doesn't need to be. Lena has everything under control. "I don't know if this is good for you, for  _us_. Like, that letter you wrote, you--you weren't even interested in talking to me. You didn't even tell me to my face you wanted the divorce, and just. You seemed like you didn't want me in--"

"Fine, if you want to go just go," Lena snaps, heart thudding, because she'd rather Kara leave than talk about  _that._ She shoves her pillow back beneath her, grabs the covers over herself and lies back down in bed, away from Kara. "I told you how hard it is to need you, but I wont beg."

She's breathing so hard she's shaking, and she wants to cry. She wants to cry cry cry, but she can't, not in front of Kara. Not like this. Kara already thinks she's weak, and that'll just prove it.

" _Baby_ ," Kara says, so soft that,  _fuck_ , Lena _does_ cry. But it's just one tear and Kara didn't see it, so it doesn't mean anything. And then, surprisingly, Kara's in the bed with her, Kara's under the covers and wrapping her arms around Lena and hugging her close. "Just a week. I'll do it, for you."

Then she reaches her hand up and wipes the tear from Lena's cheek before she snuggles her face against her hair.

 


	2. be gentle with me

She has another nightmare.

She has another dumb, stupid nightmare. Except this one's worse, this one she dies in, this one's incredibly fucking vivid right down to the bone-chilling cold. 

So Lena wakes up terrified with her heart smacking against her chest, breaths coming in shaky and sweat pooling beneath the mess of hair on her forehead. It's almost as disconcerting as realizing she's been asleep for seven hours and that Kara's still wrapped snug around her.

She thinks they're in the exact position they were when they fell asleep--Kara pressed warm against Lena's back, their legs tangled a bit, one of Kara's arms underneath Lena's head, her other hand pressed flat and hot against Lena's belly underneath her shirt.

She thinks her heart is still in the same place as well, as dramatic and dumb as that sounds--aching and confused and  _fuck_ , she missed Kara. She really fucking missed Kara, missed  _this_ , missed having a big, warm body to hold her and wake up to when she has shit dreams.

She misses it, really fucking misses her, reallyreally _really_  fucking misses her, okay? There, she said it. She'll allow herself to think this thought, to admit it to herself, exactly this  _one_  time before she swallows it down and shits it out. Because she doesn't need  _this_.

She was doing fine. She was doing okay. She had it figured out, was even working again and going out some nights,  _enjoying_  herself. 

And then it's like. 

It's like Kara came in, and in less than a day, she took a scab that was healing on Lena--maybe slightly itchy and irritated, but  _healing_ \--and ripped it off, then left something much more painful in its place. Confusion and nerves and  _want_ , and Lena can't fucking shake it off.

She can't ignore it, is the thing. She can't ignore her feelings for Kara, and she knows if she lets her leave without figuring shit out first, then it just might tear her to shreds. And she really enjoys being in one piece, don't get her wrong, but keeping Kara around is, well.

It's like, the longer she stays, the more it sinks in. Kara's here, she's actually here. Like, she's  _here._ She's not mentally drifting away, not shutting down, not running off to some cave, not ignoring Lena.

She's here and she's present and now that Lena's gotten a taste of what that's like again, what the  _stable_  Kara is like again, she...  _god._

She doesn't know what terrifies her more: that they already tried marriage and it didn't work out, or that  _this_  feels so natural for her--being with Kara, sleeping with Kara,  _relying_  on Kara for safety and stability and comfort, feeling like maybe they can get  _them_  back.

It makes her feel hollowed out, like the right look or touch or sentence from Kara could unravel her completely and undo all the work she's done to build herself up independently, to distance herself, and she's not sure why two seconds with Kara's gotten her so fucking fucked, but.

But, then again, maybe she does know why. Fuck. Fuck _shit_ fuck, this whole thing is one terrible, awful fucked up experience. 

" _Mmm_ ," Lena groans, turning so she can press her face against Kara's bicep. She hates that Kara shifts in her sleep like it's instinctual, hates that Kara curls more around her and readjusts herself against Lena's back, against the curl of her legs. Fits her snug and perfect again, and.

She should calm down.

She needs to stop getting so worked up, needs to take a breath. She needs to focus on something other than her frustration, other than all the negative things she's thinking. Focus on her breathing. Focus on the hum of the air conditioning, the sounds outside the med center.

Hell, even focus on the pace of Kara's soft snores against her ear. There's no need to be panicked. Everything will be fine. The tug in Lena's chest is just in her head. Her worry thoughts aren't valid. She'll get back to some sort of normal in no time.

She's okay. She's okay. She's definitely okay.

 

She manages to get back to sleep eventually. Then she wakes up a few hours later, sans Kara but with a comfier blanket pulled all the way up to her ears. She knows it's hotter than hot underneath it, but somehow she still feels a bit cold. 

Maybe it's a little because she was hypothermic, or a little because she doesn't have enough energy to heat her body, but it's mostly because she woke up alone and that feels like absolute, complete shit. 

But that's fine, it's fine. She'll live. She should probably get up anyway, get some food or something.

It takes her a second, but she finally manages to blink her eyes open, very carefully, can already feel the throb of a migraine building up. Her throat feels raw since she's probably dehydrated, and her lips are dry, and her hair's sweated to her face, and she's all a bit gross.

So like, she needs to take better care of herself, is the gist of that. And shower maybe. And eat something. And probably do a lot of other self-care things she doesn't feel like doing right now. But it doesn't matter what she feels like because some things are actual  _needs_ , like hydration.

Sighing, she slides the cover off her and looks around the room, trying to spot the little water pitcher, but. She spots a note on the table next to the bed instead. Her heart rate picks up ridiculously, seeing it, apparently forgetting she's already nauseous and has a migraine and is  _dying_.

"Fucking hell," she mumbles to herself. It's just a note. If Kara's fucked off by leaving a note next to her bed, then Lena deserves it. At least Kara didn't fuck off and mail a note about a divorce. Now  _that_  would be something, wouldn't it?

Lena reaches over to the table and picks it up. Kara's handwriting is as shit as she remembers it.

_Hey Lee,_

_know you'll inevitably wake up while i'm gone. don't panic, please. went out to get some food because you always get a headache when we sleep too long, and too grumpy because you're hungry, and you're probably really dehydrated at this point. which is on me, i've done a crap job at taking care of you. trying to fix that now, though! ~~we should probably talk~~  i hope  ~~my being here~~  you're okay, and stop having those dreams. you'll get through this, i know it._

_by the way, i was never hesitant because i don't want to be ~~marr~~  fake married to you, or wanted to abandon you, just hesitant because i don't want you to feel you have to do this. and i hope you know i really care about your research and this project. just want what's best for you, is all.  ~~you deserve the best.~~  sorry didnt mean to cross that out._

_i'll be back soon, alright? don't mention this letter, just know i care and im here as long as you need me._

_K xx_

Lena's chest immediately feels  _warmer_  and less restricted, and she folds the letter up and puts it in the pocket of her sweats, and she thinks of all the things she never knew how to say to Kara and--

"Food's here," Kara chirps, shouldering her way through the door with bags in her hands and two waters tucked under her arm. Her eyes shoot straight to the table where the note was, and she takes a long breath. "Got us burgers, like you wanted earlier, and some snacks for later."

Lena kind of wants to bring up the letter, but she won't. They both know she read it, and they both know what it said, and that's probably good enough. "Did you remember extra ketchup so I can dip my burger?"

"Yeah, of course," Kara smiles, relaxing a little and walking over to set the food on the bed, nudging it towards the center before she climbs on and gets comfortable at the foot of it. "I think our first date was at that Big Belly fast food place, and I'll never forget the first time I made you  _really_ laugh was when I called you a weirdo for dipping your whole burger, so."

"Yeah," Lena says, then clears her throat and stares at the food bags, doesn't really want to do the whole nostalgia thing. "Think we can get this all setup? I feel like shit, could eat for two at this point."

"Yeah, course we can," Kara says, grabbing the bag with snacks first and fishing out a chapstick. She hands it to Lena without even an explanation, and then starts going on about what she's ordered and how Lena should pace herself.

 

"I talked to Cat while I was out," Kara says, once they're finishing up their food.

"Oh?" Lena asks, heart sinking unexpectedly, because maybe Kara convinced Cat they shouldn't do the marriage thing.

"Yep. She has us a Skype interview with CNN in the morning, and then we're going to a resort," Kara informs her, already eating through the snack bag. "It's a week-long thing, so we'll have to pack accordingly. Which, I'm like, not prepared for since I pretty much came to dive and nothing else."

"No worries, there're clothing stores in the town a few miles from here, can rustle something up. A resort?" Lena asks, slow-munching on the last of her fries. She was full five minutes ago, but fast food tastes so much better after near death, it's like she can't put it down.

"Yep, for an LGBTQ awareness thing," Kara says. "It's a conference hosted by Valerie Bertanari, super rich billionaire. It's basically a week of talks and panels and games and whatnot, major fundraising event with celebrities and important people. They're gonna be airing a lot of the interviews that happen there on TV and streaming whatever doesn't get aired on Twitch or something. Cat promised Valerie an exclusive interview with us, said we'd be there, that we'd only do an in-depth sit down with someone of her choosing." 

"Why there?" Lena asks, just picking at her fries at this point but not really eating them.

Kara finally reaches over and grabs a few. She's been eyeing them ever since Lena slowed down on her burger. "It's mutually beneficial. This is the first annual conference that's being hosted and they want it to get attention. You've been asleep, but like--we're sort of a big deal right now. There've been like, six Buzzfeed articles, people are all over us."

Lena snorts, because of course that's Kara's metric for  _big deal_. "So we generate publicity for the conference, and?"

"Valerie's gonna invest a lot of money in the cave project. That was the deal Cat worked out." Kara looks a little apprehensive after she says it, so Lena lowers the fry she's nibbling and lifts an eyebrow. "Plus, Valerie um. She also wants her name on this cave. Once it's done."

"Fucking Christ," Lena says, dropping her fry and pushing the remaining ones towards Kara. "She's probably never even gonna step foot in it. If anything it should be named after _you_ , since like--fuck. That's pretty shit, kind of a smack in the face to the explorers if you ask me."

"I know, baby," Kara says offhandedly, then inhales sharply and adds, "Sorry, force of habit. But, yeah, it's crap but at least you'll have all the money you need to get the best gear and everything else."

Lena scratches at her sweatpants and thinks about Kara's letter again, thinks about her calling her  _baby_ , how much she really does miss- _no._ Once was enough. "So she's buying our story  _and_  she's buying our cave? I feel cheap."

"Don't worry, we're not  _cheap_  by any means," Kara giggles, and. Lena doesn't remember her lips being so full or so pink, or know why she's staring at them now. "Also, CNN is us just doing a check in--we're okay, it was scary. So don't spill too many beans tomorrow."

"Got it," Lena says. It's like this is a CIA mission or something. She just signed up to be married and talk about being trapped, and this feels like more than that.

"Oh, and Cat said no matter what, to keep ourselves relevant this week," Kara goes on, because of course there's more. "So she's planned an itinerary of suggested events for us to participate in to like, stay in front of the camera. There's a GoFundMe for the project that gets more money, the more people like us."

It all sounds like a lot, but this is big, Lena knows it. Funding is always so hard to come by, but everyone on this project is committed to what they do, and Lena's determined to help keep them running.

In a world where people can take pictures of planets, scan the deepest oceans, and even examine the body in microscopic detail, one of the biggest things left unexplored are underwater caves, and that means something,  _something huge_ , to everyone involved in this.

So.  _So_  if she has to marry Kara for a week to raise all the money they need, even put  _Valerie's_  name on the cave, then so be it. That's just what has to be done, can't be too bad. Won't be terrible, she's sure. "Sounds good then," Lena decides. "It'll be interesting at least, looking forward to that."

"Nice," Kara smiles, starting to pile all the food trash into a bag. "Think it'll be fun."

 

**\+ Part 3: Bad Ideas**

"This was a horrible idea," Lena says, unpacking three of her shirts and attempting to close her suitcase again. They have to be at the airport in half-an-hour and she knows it's probably too late to back out now. Much, much too late.

But maybe--ugh,  _no_  it's definitely too late.

They already did the Skype interview with CNN as a  _couple_ , and talked about sappy shit like how  _their relationship has strengthened_ , and Kara even slid an arm around her shoulders half-way in and talked genuinely about how proud she was of Lena and how lucky she was to have her.

And the entirety of the internet is  _so_  ready and excited, according to comment sections, for their participation in an overwhelming line-up of conference talks and discussions.

Lena's even doing a round table discussion about survival stories, and Kara's participating in a talk about travelers and explorers, _Seeing the Unseen_  or something catchy like that. Lena can't quite recall the several page itinerary, but like.

The conference genuinely sounds fun, is her point--just, hanging out at a resort surrounded by drinks and a bunch of other lesbians and stimulating conversations and the  _sun_. The actual bright, healing magnificently warm sun.

But they'll also be surrounded by hundreds of cameras and photographers and people documenting their every move, and. It's a lot. It's a lot lot lot.

Jesus Christ. "This is literally the  _worst_  idea," Lena emphasizes again, giving up on closing her suitcase and curling up on the bed next to it. There has to be a way out of it. "Think we could fake food poisoning and Cat would not let us go?"

Kara finally looks up from folding the many different iterations of her patterned button downs and makes an adorable frowny face at Lena's pout, big eyes  _blue_  and concerned. "Need a quick cuddle? Seems like you're in a mood."

Lena frowns herself. "I'm not in a  _mood_ , just thinking logistically about this whole thing, and it's just. I don't know, Kara. We're lying to the whole, entire world about ourselves, and for what? Like--"

"Money," Kara jumps in. "The GoFundMe for the cave project already has hundreds of thousands raised. The cuter we are, the more people want to finance our careers. Cat was actually correct about this one. Well, I mean, she's always correct, but. Yeah."

"Okay, but what if people figure out we're divorced? It'll be the scandal of the century."

"They won't," Kara says simply, like she doesn't have a care in the world, like a divorce doesn't leave a paper trail. "No one's even looking into that, and besides, Cat has people covering it. Better than the NSA, she said."

That sounds mildly illegal, so Lena won't think too hard about it. "Fine, if I'm forced to do this, I want the cuddle then." She backtracks when Kara lifts an eyebrow, and clarifies, " _Forced_  was a strong word, just have pre-secret op jitters, is all. No cuddles necessary."

"Okay," Kara shrugs, going back to folding, and Lena tosses a shirt at her head that makes her start giggling. "What? You said you didn't want cuddles anymore, just respecting your wishes. It's what a good fake wife does, after all."

"I'm gonna fire you and recast you with Meryl Streep. No one will know the difference."

"Is that so?" Kara laughs, and suddenly she's off the floor and jumping on the bed, folding herself on top of Lena and grabbing her in a big bear hug. "Miss out on _one_ cuddle and suddenly you're ready to throw me out."

"Let me go," Lena shoves her. "This isn't a cuddle, it's torture, and you're wasting our precious cuddle minutes we have left."

"You just want me for my body," Kara frowns.

And Lena asks, as serious as she possibly can, "Have I ever wanted you for anything else?"

Kara laughs and rolls her eyes, shaking her head as she climbs off Lena and lays down beside her. So now they're face-to-face on their sides. "What are you nervous about, Lee?"

"I don't know? Just, what if we mess up or something goes wrong? What if we can't do this?"

"How hard can it be?" Kara asks, smiling as she wraps her arms around Lena's waist, pulling her in so she's snuggled against Kara's soft, soft shirt. "We  _were_  married for five years, you know. This should be a walk in the park."

"If it were  _a walk in the park_  we wouldn't have gotten divorced," Lena points out, pushing herself away and trying to ignore Kara's bright eyes and glistening lips and the lovely, familiar way she smells. "Seriously, pretending to be married might be harder than you think."

"It's just one week, okay?" Kara pulls Lena back in, warm hands slipping lower and grazing the skin beneath Lena's t-shirt, and. It's not fair how much Lena's heart flutters at the touch. "We do a couple interviews, take a few pictures, and then we go back to our lives. It'll be easy. Promise."

"Fine," Lena says, then lets her head fall against Kara's chest and tries not to think about packing. Or this trip. Or anything else really. Just this. This is quite lovely.

 

"You remember you had that tongue piercing?" Kara asks, licking at the jelly dangling down her donut. "I didn't really get it, you know, but you were super into it, and it was kind of sexy."

"Shut up," Lena snorts, listening to the airport speakers drone  _if you see something you should say something_  once again. "Some things are off limits, and you should learn that if you'll be stuck in a room with me. I'm not bound by marriage anymore to not maul you."

"Speaking of," Kara says, and then she doesn't say anything else, just shoves the entirety of what's left of her donut in her mouth. It's disgusting, but Lena's sort of distracted by the way Kara's eyelashes fan over her cheeks.

Her fucking immaculate eyelashes. Why does she even need those? Honestly. She's not a camel in the desert, they shouldn't be that long.

Anywho.

Lena's in the middle of  _not thinking about Kara_  and chewing her cheese Danish when Kara wipes her hands off on her pants and pulls two black rings out of her pocket, which. Is interesting. "What are those?" Lena asks, muffled, lifting both her eyebrows.

"They're Tungsten I think," Kara says thoughtfully, twisting one of the rings between her long fingers, and then giggling when Lena kicks her shoe and gives Kara her best unimpressed look. "Fine, fine. They're wedding bands, of course."

"Kara, that's so dumb. I'm obviously more of a rose gold kind of girl."

"Yes, but this is all the airport had, so. You know."

"Fine. Guess it'll do," Lena says, rolling her eyes and outstretching her left hand because she knows what comes next, what with Kara being the huge nerd that she is.

"Lena Kieran Luthor," Kara declares, smiling broad and squaring her shoulders off, clasping Lena's hand into her own. "You're my favorite person in the whole entire world, you've always been my light in the darkness, and you have the most beautiful, heart warming smile I've ever been blessed to see in my life. Thus, it would be my immense honor to pretend to be your wife for the next week. I promise to love, honor, and cherish you as if this were as real as our first marriage. I promise to protect you from--"

"Get to the  _point_ ," Lena sighs.

"Right," Kara clears her throat. "Please be my fake wife, the end."

She slides the ring onto Lena's finger, positively beaming, obviously impressed with herself.

Lena just rolls her eyes again, swallowing the last bite of her Danish and trying not to let her face flush with how fluttery she feels. "You also have to agree I'm always right, wake up early to order us room service, and give me shoulder massages whenever I need them. No questions asked."

"Whatever you wish, Mrs. Kara Danvers," Kara says, eyes twinkling as she brushes Lena's knuckles gingerly.

Which is even worse than the rings, wholly unacceptable, and downright criminal because it makes Lena's heart skip a beat.  _So_. She actually starts contemplating all the different ways she could murder Kara, make it look like an accident. "If you call me that again, I swear I'll--"

"I will not," Kara says succinctly, swaying on her heels and obviously tucking a smile away. "Just got lost in the moment, is all. Think we're boarding, though, so let's head over."

 

The plane ride is pleasant for the most part. They're in a section with pretty comfortable seats, a little bit of turbulence but not much. Lena falls asleep not too long into it, content and wrapped in Kara's arms. And she doesn't wake up until they're starting the descent to land.

"You snore, you know," Kara says, once she's blinked her eyes open. "Little tiny ones. They're adorable."

"My doctor says it's a sign of me gaining too much weight," Lena yawns, stretching her arms out and purposely knocking against Kara's chin. 

She can immediately tell Kara doesn't like that joke by the way her grip changes against Lena's side, little crinkle settling in between her brows. She's going to say something sappy and Lena's already over it. This trip is going to feel like it's two-thousand years long.

"Don't say that, okay?" Kara starts, predictably. "You're perfect, always have been. Besides, I could hike you up a mountain with one hand, you hardly have  _weight_  on you."

Lena snorts. "You could probably hike a boulder up a mountain, that's not saying much."

Kara smiles wide, waggling her brows. "Is this Lena Luthor telling me, Kara Danvers, that she thinks I'm a big, strong beefcake?"

"You're not allowed to say beefcake on the trip, either."

"You have a lot of rules," Kara says, like a toddler being told play time can't last all day.

"Is that an issue, could always--"

"Not at all." Kara gives her side an encouraging squeeze. "Let's me know what your boundaries are, I respect it. Easier for me to not crap things up."

"Such a gentlewoman," Lena says snuggling in again after the captain announces another fifteen minutes.

"I'm gonna kiss you at some point, just a little bit," Kara says out of nowhere, blinking fiercely and clearing her throat several times. Lena feels like her stomach drops right out of her butt. "Cat says we have to, because, well. Thing is, the internet can like, spot a couple that doesn't like each other or is being weird a million miles away. They see  _everything_ , like. Beyoncé gave this lady at a Warriors game the side eye and you can barely see it, but there've been dozens of articles about it, and, the point is that--"

"Yeah, I think Cat has a good point," Lena jumps in. She's not sure why she says it. She should not be kissing Kara, but her mouth keeps talking like it does not give a fuck about her brain. "Like if  _I'd_  just rescued my wife, that I love, I'd want to kiss her and hold her and all that. It's normal." 

"Yeah, me too," Kara whispers.

Then there's this supercharged moment between them where Kara just nibbles on her lip and stares at Lena's mouth, and Lena just. Flails her arms weirdly. "Anyway, yeah. So we should kiss a little bit, like. When cameras are around and stuff."

"Right, just for the cameras," Kara confirms. "And if it gets weird at any point, we like, we stop. That's it."

"Yep," Lena says. "We just stop, that's it."

 

Once they get off the plane, they have to take an SUV to a helicopter to another SUV to get to the resort thingy, and it's immediately overwhelming the second they arrive--loads of people and familiar faces and cameras cameras cameras.

"Shit, fuck," Lena mumbles under her breath as she stares out the car window. Her legs are bouncing nervously, knee knocking once twice three times against Kara's, before Kara puts a hand on her thigh and steadies her. "This is a lot of people, bigger than I thought it would be."

"Yeah, it's like the Met Gala and Oscars combined," Kara says, looking around.

It's just an overstatement, Lena tells herself. She was in the middle of squatfuck nowhere and still found time to check out the Met Gala outfits, so--she doubts it's bigger than  _that_ , but there sure are enough cameras to convince her otherwise.

"So we're like, we're married, right?" she asks, just checking, but catches the driver squint curiously at them through the rear view.

Kara must catch it too, because she moves her hand from Lena's thigh, to her hand, turning it and lacing their fingers together. "Yeah, I know. I'm still shocked sometimes you actually wanted to spend your entire life with  _me_ , too."

Lena laughs as naturally as she can, like there was a joke to be in on, then nudges Kara's shoulder with her nose. "Being with you has it's perks. Like your big, massage perfect hands."

Kara  _actually_ laughs naturally. "This is the second time you've mentioned that today. I'll give you one as soon as we're settled in, sweetheart."

 _No_ , no no no. That's not toeing the line, that's crossing it. Lena can't handle--fuck. "Sounds great, we're not scheduled for anything this first day right? Just get acquainted with things and chill?" 

"Yep, that's the plan," Kara says, and Lena catches the driver smiling fondly at them as he pulls over and says they're  _here._  

Then he gets out and helps them with their bags. First minor crisis averted.

 

It's not until they've checked in with their reservations and they've been escorted to their cabin (Kara having introduced Lena as her wife to literally everyone they met,  _all_  of the staff members), that Lena realizes they're actually doing this.

They're in a cabin alone on an island resort surrounded by cameras and they are actually doing this. Christ.

They're doing this. They're doing this. She wanted to do this. Everything is fine.

Lena scans her surroundings for a second, checks out the cabin--there's a kitchen, living room, outdoor area, bedroom, and oh. "There's just the one bed, Kara," she says, as if she'd have  _ever_  let them sleep in separate beds.

Especially since she hasn't slept without a nightmare since the cave.

Either way, it's good to point out in case they fight, she guesses. One of them--Kara, let's be honest--would be sleeping on the couch.

Kara just nods, nonchalant. "Yeah and there's also a huge hot tub on the deck thingy. Veranda? Terrace? Not sure, but looks fun if you wanna relax tonight before the stress of the conference. Just let me know."

She walks off and starts scanning the amenities after that, easy as anything, tall and pretty and Lena just--holy shit, fuck, they're actually doing this.

It wasn't some sort of weird fever dream. They're pretending to be married and maybe going to be kissing a little bit, and just a few days ago Lena mentally compared Kara's presence to ripping off a scab, and. "Are there drinks? I feel like I need drinks."

"Drinks would be great," Kara says, popping her head out of the bathroom, sniffing the generic resort shampoo. She makes a face of approval, disappears into the bathroom again for a second, and comes out with a bright smile and her hands free.

She's such a happy girl, vibrant, and Lena gets stuck just watching her for a second. Watches her toe off her shoes and check the firmness of the mattress, watches her click all the lamps on and off and curiously poke her finger in the Zen waterfall rock thing in the living room.

She just--she feels carefree in a way Lena hasn't seen her in nearly two years now, and it's hard to think about the fact that there's no  _them_  after this. They're not really married, and this, whatever  _this_  weird charade is--them pretending to be married and getting along and cuddling and being happy is just a bandaid on a fucking bullet hole, because there's a lot of shit that hasn't been said.

And Lena doesn't know if she wants--if she  _can_  say it. She knows why she left, knows it was - was what she had to do, and knows why she probably can't stay. She knows all of those things.

But she'll still let herself enjoy Kara being happy. Because it's all she's ever wanted to see.

"Room service then?" she asks, looking around the room for a phone or menu or tablet thingy so she can order. "We can get food, too. I know you need twelve square meals a day."

"Thirteen, actually," Kara says, canting her hip and rubbing a hand over her belly. "You okay? You got a little gaze- _y_  for a second. Usually do that when you're thinking hard about the wrong things. Getting nervous again?"

It's weird that Kara knows her so well, weird that there's a person out there that knows every inch of her and she has a hard time being in the same room as them without falling to pieces. No,  _no_ , she shouldn't go down that road, should keep it light. Have a good time.

"Thinking steak and mashed potatoes," she responds, ignoring the question. "The full dessert menu, since we don't have to pay for any of this. Let's just go all out."

"Alright, alright. Sounds good. So, food, drinks, then... Maybe hot tub? Maybe a massage later?" Kara lifts her eyebrows in a question. "I know you want it, so don't even say no."

Lena shrugs, sighing a bit because she  _does_  want it. "Massage  _in_  the hot tub sounds like a good plan, right?"

 

Massage in the hot tub is a terrible idea, especially after a four-course meal, the world's best dessert, and two bottles of champagne.

But Lena's still having a mouth-brain disconnect, and says, "Yes, of course," if only a tad bit slurry, when Kara asks if she still wants it. Of course she still wants it, better question is if she  _should_  do it. "Yes, absolutely yes. Let's go."

So they end up in the hot tub--Lena positioned between Kara's legs and Kara's hands working magically over her shoulders. Yes, yes,  _she knows_ , this is not her best idea.

"I think I have the round table first thing tomorrow," Lena says, head drooping as Kara increases the pressure. "Then there's room for some of the couples' stuff. There's like, a water balloon toss and a sack race, tug of war."

Kara starts palming at a knot Lena's been struggling with for a couple months now. "I'm down for those. Also checked out some of the restaurants here, have a couple places we can go for lunch and dinner. Figured room service is fine for breakfast."

"Room service is great," Lena says, eyes heavy and sleepy. If she plays her cards right, Kara will carry her inside and help her dry off and she won't have to move much the rest of the night. 

Which is a drunk thought, probably, but it seems like a smart move right now. So she goes with it, pretends to fall asleep, drifting forward more and more until Kara picks her up and takes her inside to towel down and change out of her swimsuit.

They get to bed after that, cuddled up again and warm, and Lena keeps thinking-- _feeling_ \--pretty thankful that Kara's here.

Which is also a drunk thought-feeling, probably, but who's paying attention.

 

She has another nightmare, of course, wakes up sweating with her heart racing. But it's fine, better than before--she actually managed to not die in this one, and Kara's still curled around her back, hot and soft and  _solid_. So she gets back to sleep fairly quickly, thankfully.

Although, and it's really stupid but, right before she dozes off, she lets herself think it one final time--she really, really  _does_  miss this.

 


	3. had a good time, that we can say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here it is. added a fourth chapter bec this one became too long. hope everyone enjoys!
> 
> as always, thanks for reading!!

Lena wakes up in the morning to breakfast in bed--buttermilk pancakes, eggs and hash, sausage, orange juice, twelve different kinds of fruit, whipped cream--enough food to put a genuine smile on her face, to make her _happy_.

Which is pretty short-lived, since Kara just keeps looking at her,  _forlorn_ , the entire time they're eating. It's like Lena's the sole center of her attention, frown curved clearly in her eyebrows, in her dumb forehead crinkle; she's just staring like something is  _wrong_.

Which,  _ugh_.

It'd normally be something Lena could ignore, maybe brush off. But Kara's eyes are focused and earnest and entirely too damn blue in the early morning sunlight, and it's making it hard for Lena to think about anything else.

So she waits another five minutes, takes a few more slow bites of her pancake, and when Kara  _still_  doesn't look like she's going to relent--Lena decides she should just address it. "What's wrong?"

"You had another nightmare last night," Kara says fast, like she's been waiting for the invitation this whole time, frown setting in on her mouth now too like a sad, sad puppy.

Lena resists the urge to say something sarcastic, pushes what's left of her eggs around her plate instead of spouting off  _astute observation_  or  _no shit, Sherlock_. "This the first one you notice, then?"

"No, I notice them all," Kara says, nails digging into her palm. She's nervous. Lena already doesn't like where this is going. "I try to pull you in tighter when they happen, hold you close. Your heart rate picks up really fast, and you get so warm, makes it damp between us."

"I'll try not to be so gross anymore," Lena frowns, trying to derail the conversation, mixing her remaining sausages and eggs together mostly to avoid Kara's eyes at this point. "Sorry I'm an inconvenience."

"No, that's not why--" Kara sighs, opening her hands and rubbing the indentations out of her palm. "You're doing the round table today about the cave. And I think most other people will have stories that weren't so recent or less traumatizing. So, I - I'm just not sure you're ready."

"Well it's not your job to know when I'm ready, is it?" Lena asks. She doesn't know why she's suddenly so irritated, but she hates this conversation and she wants it to end yesterday. "Last time I checked, I'm in my own head and I can make decisions for myself. Thanks, discussion over."

"Lena, I'm being serious," Kara says, and Lena can already imagine how she looks without even looking up at her--genuine, concerned, caring, all a fucking trap for Lena to fall into. "Can we just talk about something that's not cuddling or us making jokes for five minutes? That's all I want."

"But I don't. I don't want to talk about anything that's not that or the itinerary for the day."

"I just want to talk, Lena. I don't want to fight," Kara says, defeated, like she's giving up and wants to guilt Lena with it.

Lena looks up finally, stares her square in the eyes so hopefully she only has to say this one time and Kara fully understands it. "I don't want to talk to you about my trauma, about - about anything that's not your--I just don't want to talk, okay?"

"Then maybe we should fight," Kara says, simply. "We were married for five years, you  _can_  give me five minutes."

"I'm going to take a shower," Lena decides, throwing her fork down hard enough that eggs splash on the bed. But she doesn't  _care_. They were peaceful, content, laughing together, and Kara just wants to fuck that with her  _talks_. Fuck talking.

Lena doesn't want to talk, doesn't need to talk. They should have talked years ago and Kara decided-- _fuck_. Lena isn't even allowed to think that thought, and this whole thing is just - it's not fair and she needs to be away from Kara.

So she shuffles off the bed fast, and then makes it all of three steps before Kara's grabbing her arm and saying, "You left me without explaining why, so don't tell me that the explanation isn't my business. Because it  _is_. I want to know. I deserve to know."

"Is that why you came here?" Lena asks, snapping around so fast she gets dizzy and has to grab Kara's arm for support. She hates everything, hates everything in the fucking world. "Is this some sort of retaliation? You thought you'd save me, and then I'd be indebted to you?"

Lena knows that's not true, fully not true, but it's like she can't control it. She's half-past  _mad_ mad and she can't stop herself, can't get the horrible thoughts to stop running out of her mouth once she's started. She'd forgotten these thoughts were even here for just  _one_  second.

For a second she was almost comfortable, a little happy maybe, and now she's just  _this_.

"Seriously? You came all this way to prove what an angel you are and what a shitty person I am? Is that it? We knew that though, didn't we? If that's why you're here, then you should have fucking left me in the cave, because it wasn't worth the effort coming to tell me something I already--"

"Lena, that's not true and you know it. So we're not having that conversation." Kara puts her hands on Lena's waist and pulls her in, then says, "Just rest your head on my shoulder," so firmly that Lena actually does it. "You need to take it easy, okay? Your body's trying to get back up to speed."

"I was  _trying_  to take it easy. You did this," Lena says, muffled against Kara's shirt. It's weird, but she's happy she's dizzy,  _happy_  she's lightheaded, happy that something's actually wrong and Kara has to yield to that first and foremost. "I just wanted to do the stuff today, have fun."

"Okay," Kara says. "Okay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up right now, wasn't a good time."

"No, it wasn't," Lena says, and aims for harsh, but her voice cracks. She's entering a precarious zone where she just might cry if this goes on any longer, and she doesn't want that. She hates feeling so fragile as it is. "Can we just not do it  _now_. Please?"

"Not now, you're right. Really bad time," Kara says, pulling her into a full hug and resting her head against her hair. It's stupid, but Lena actually relaxes, sinks in and  _relaxes_. "You get to pick the time, okay? But we  _are_  going to talk about it. I'm sorry, but I just need to know."

 

It takes another couple minutes, but Kara finally manages to get Lena fully calmed down.

Then they eat a little more, watch the news and what's aired already of the conference, and cuddle a bit before they shower (separately, thanks, Lena has  _some_  dignity).

They head out to Lena's round table after that.

 

"It's supposed to be a relaxed environment," the moderator tells her--Kaylen, Lena tries to remember, they/them pronouns. "Not trying to force things to be too much to handle today, just a bunch of queer people talking about their misadventures with nature and maybe even laughing about it, maybe doing some processing. Talk as much as you need to. But no pressure to participate."

"Right," Lena smiles, politely. "Sounds like fun, can't wait to get started."

 _Laughing about it_ , she thinks, a bit irritated.

She can't laugh about being trapped in a cave and nearly dying. Can't laugh about the situation that brought her ex-wife into her life again, the situation that's left her confused and with nightmares and that's landed her in this weird situation where she's lying on television.

Jokes. Got it. Easy.

"I don't know about this," she says to Kara after Kaylen walks off. "I didn't have a  _misadventure_  with nature, I had a  _should have fucking died_  experience." 

"What's the difference?" Kara laughs, rustling her shoulders, an obviously ill-placed joke that has Kara backtracking. "Sorry, that was dumb. Look, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. But I don't think they were making light of anything, probably just highlighting they don't want to traumatize you since you probably went through the worst of it. And that you can relax and process and laugh at people who trip over rocks. It'll be fun, okay?"

"I don't want to process right now," Lena admits.

"Then you don't have to," Kara says. "You can just be there and listen. Show your pretty face. Sure the world wants to see it as much as I do."

"You really know how to put on a show for the cameras," Lena says, watching a guy snap a picture as Kara runs a thumb across her chin.

It's a familiar gesture, something Kara's done a million times before, something that Lena registers almost too late as what Kara  _does before a kiss_. So she backs off fast, instinctually, letting Kara's hand drop, face feeling flush and knees like jello.

"You're gonna do great," Kara says, still with her comforting voice, taking a step forward, as if she didn't just give Lena a headrush she didn't need. "I know what it's like after something scary like that, and it might help to talk about it. I promise no one up there's going to laugh at you."

She tried to kiss her. She tried to kiss her. Kara  _tried to kiss her._  Why are they still talking about the round table?

"It'll be fine," Lena says, rushed, out of breath. Who is she? The guy is still snapping pictures of them and Lena can tell her blush has spread from her cheeks to her neck and probably to her chest.

"Don't want to alarm you," Kara whispers, tentatively. "But you are  _red_."

"I  _know_ , you fucking tried to kiss me," Lena whisper-shouts.

Kara's nose starts twitching like she's short-circuiting. "We talked about it - I thought. There's a guy over there taking pictures, and I--"

"Five minute warning," someone shouts.

"--I thought it'd be okay. Oh god, is that not okay? This was my fear, this - crap, I didn't want this to--"

Jesus Christ, Kara being flustered is worse than Kara almost kissing her. Lena nearly wants to kiss her just to get her to stop. "It's fine, really. It's just been a while for me. So I just - it's just been a while since I kissed someone, alright?"

"Oh," Kara says, shifting her weight from one leg to the other. "So like, you haven't since _me_? Or like, since someone else? Not that it matters - just, um. If there's been someone else and they see us on TV they might, you know."

"There hasn't been anyone else. I would've said something, right?"

"Right, okay." Kara visibly relaxes, bright spark returning to her eyes. How could there ever be anyone else? "Me either, so we're - we're good."

"I should go out, take a seat." Not think about Kara's face or her pink lips, or the fact that Kara could easily lift her against a wall and--no, no, no. Definitely not that. "Getting started soon."

"Yeah, of course. Good luck, you'll do great." 

Fuck.

  

Kaylen introduces the group once the cameras are rolling, explains what they'll be doing today, and then they hand it over to Lena, because of course she's supposed to go first. 

She scans the the room for a moment, in the silence that's supposed to be filled with her speaking, twists in her chair and smoothes out her shirt sleeves.

Her nerves are still eating away at her, but she's confident she can do this. It's just talking about the cave, just going over her experience. She's done harder things than this before and always came out alive. Somehow.

"I'm Lena Luthor," she starts. "And I'm a cave researcher. My work focuses on developing better ROVs for expeditions. We use them for visual inspections, object recovery, water quality monitoring, 3D mapping, um. I also do subsoil analyses, look at biodiversity..."

She's rambling. Fuck.

"Basically," she halts herself, laughing nervously, "I do a lot of cave-related research. And... Well, I got trapped in one."

Part of her wants to leave it there, smile and shrug, say that's the end of her story, but she knows this round table is supposed to be more than that, knows she's supposed to dig deep or whatnot.

It's just, she's been purposely not thinking about it and making unhealthy choices since it happened.

So. This is kind of the first time she's facing it--in front of loads of people--and that's a bit daunting. But she muscles on.

"It's - the weird part is that I usually  _never_  go down. I just don't, not my area or specialty. But this cave - it's spectacular, the biggest and deepest we've ever found. I just wanted to touch it, to feel it. To  _see_  it, and not just in pictures. I wanted to be there, you know?"

She pauses after that, trying to figure out where she wants to go with this, what the best course is. But, truthfully, it couldn't hurt to just be honest. She actually got trapped in a cave, and she had  _real_  feelings. This whole thing doesn't have to be an act even if the marriage is.

"I know bad things can happen when you go down. We always talk about it, right--we're working in  _caves_. But then something happens to you, and you're like  _oh shit_. Like,  _this is really happening_ , and your alarm buzzer goes off in a way it's never done before. Then there's just. Panic."

"I can imagine," Kaylen jumps in, shaking their head, then quickly adds, "I mean, not really  _imagine_ , but even just seeing it on the  _news_  gave me like, second hand anxiety. So, it must have been incredibly, just,  _scary_. How'd you get through being down there so long?"

"I knew Kara was coming," Lena answers without even thinking about it, sure as anything. It'll probably make for really good television, but it's as honest an answer as they come. "I just knew she would be there, no doubt in my mind. I just had to survive. For her."

"That's amazing," someone else comments. It's a woman to the right of her; Lena's drawing a blank on her name, probably because of the nerves, but she has purple hair and her smile seems pleasant. "Just having faith in someone like that. Knowing they'll come for you."

"It's what Kara does," Lena shrugs. "She would have even if she knew I'd already, um, didn't make it. She once said leaving bodies in caves is like leaving victims on the side of the road after an accident. You always do what you can to get your friends out, wherever they are."

It's more than that, though, Lena knows it. After the incident two years ago, she's pretty sure Kara would have sacrificed anything to get her out, done whatever she had to do no matter what, and that's why Lena was so confident she'd be there.

But she doesn't want to get into that, doesn't really want to bring  _that_ up.

So she goes with, "It's divers code that no one gets left behind, so I knew she'd come. Plus I'm her wife," she adds, smiling, trying to lighten the mood and also remind the world they're  _married_. Priorities. "She better have been there."

She gets a few laughs at that from around the table, and a lot more from the audience, and figures. Well. So there're a lot of things she wants to say about Kara, lots of stuff she wants to thank her for, and she's not sure she can do that to her face, not sure she can manage to be that open.

But if she does it here, on camera, she could-- _they_  could--pretend it was just for the cameras, just for the act. It'd make it a little easier to get through this week, and make Lena feel a lot better knowing she said it.

So, before she can think too much about it, she says, "The more amazing part is how helpful Kara's been since it happened. The mental scarring is - it's a lot worse than the physical, and she hasn't left my side the whole way. And it's--I just appreciate her more than I know how to voice."

"She sounds like an amazing wife," Kaylen says.

And Lena can't help the smile that gushes out of her, the flush that creeps up her cheeks. She doesn't even know what it's for, not even really married to Kara, but she feels all a bit warm and and tingly when she responds, "Yeah, she's the best. Couldn't have asked for better."

She should stop. She's said enough; they probably have good footage and sound bites and the GoFundMe will definitely skyrocket, but Lena's fucking mouth has literally taken on a life of its own, and it just. Keeps going.

"Yeah, the aftermath hasn't been easy," she explains. "I haven't stopped a lot to think about it, and I'm probably two handfuls to take care of, but I guess it's just been a few days and I'm still letting it settle in. I get these awful nightmares at night, though, so I know it left a mark."

Kaylen nods empathetically, folding their hands on top of the table, and suddenly this feels like impromptu group therapy. 

So Lena pulls it back and talks a little about what she was doing down there and when they found out the entrance was unusable. Then she filters a couple questions about the storm and the cave flooding, getting cut off from the other divers, and then she's done with her bit.

The crowd cheers for an unusually long time when Kaylen thanks her for sharing.

And Lena tries her best not to blush, but she's probably failing at it.

 

They move on after that, start discussing everyone else's misadventures, and Lena's able to relax a little now that she's not in the spotlight.

The person that speaks after her talks about the time, when she was a kid, that she got stung by 132 bees, hit her head on a tree branch, bit her tongue in half, got a concussion, and ripped off a five-inch patch of hair.

Then the next person talks about needing 342 stitches after tripping while running with hedge clippers, nearly hitting a major artery right in front of their little sister, and how their mom almost passed out while driving on the highway from seeing all the blood.

And then  _another_  person talks about a river trip where they didn't wear a life jacket, their canoe flipped over, and they got weighted down to the bottom of the river because they were wearing chest waders. Then it apparently happened again on the same trip, and they nearly died.

All-in-all, Lena sums up that Kara was actually right--misadventures with nature  _is_ pretty damn synonymous with should have fucking died experience.

 

After it's finished, Kara wraps her arms around Lena's waist and and scoops her up in a hug, lifts her feet off the ground so she can spin her in circles and tell her how amazing she is.

There're definitely at least three photographers snapping pictures, but Lena's pretty sure that's not why Kara's doing it.

 

"Seriously, wow, you did so well," Kara says for probably the eleventh time, fastening her purple bandana around her curls and then helping Lena with hers. "Even Cat said so, texted and was like  _good jo_ _b._  She never says good job, so--"

"I get it, good job," Lena says, nudging Kara's hand away once she's done tying. "I just want to raise the money and be done with this whole thing, so yeah. I'm doing my part."

She pulls her arm across her chest and stretches it out, glances around the field at all the different teams. They're at the tug-of-war event now, and it's a tournament of sorts--everyone's given different colored bandanas and they battle the other teams until victory.

Lena's mostly just counting on Kara's muscles. She may not be the most excited to be here, but she's still a bit competitive.

"Hey, sorry for asking, but--" Kara starts, which is never a good sign. "You said that stuff about like, appreciating me? Um, that was a nice bit, didn't know if--"

"I meant it, alright?" Lena cuts in, pulling her leg back for a stretch. She should really let Kara finish a sentence, but she's starting to get agitated with how great she is, with how she's making Lena feel all these things she doesn't want to. "We don't have to talk about it or mention it."

"But, I am. Mentioning it," Kara says, like she's nervous. "I mean, I just--I wanted to say that I appreciate you, too. That's it."

Lena focuses her attention on, well. Anything but Kara, really. "Thanks, yeah. Think all the teams are ready, and they said we're first up, so. Should head over probably."

"Yeah, probably," Kara says, and Lena chances a look up, fully expecting Kara to be disappointed in her, to be unhappy with her not wanting to talk. But instead she's  _smiling_ , pink lips pulled back in the world's brightest grin. "Ready to kick some butt?"

 

Lena _thought_  she was ready to  _kick butt_ , but what actually happens is something more like, "Kara, I can't breathe."

"What?" Kara asks from behind her, obviously carrying most of the load. Lena digs her feet in the dirt, repositions her stance, and tries her best to at least not face-plant as she pulls. "If you're having trouble just step off. I'll handle it."

"What do you mean you'll handle it?" Lena asks. Sure, they're up against another lesbian couple, both women smaller than Kara, but Kara can't handle  _two_. "We could just forfeit maybe?"

No, that sounds like a terrible idea, even as she says it. She should just stick it out.

"I said I'll handle it," Kara says. "If you pass out from tug-of-war I'm not gonna be happy with you,  _sweetheart_."

Oh. It's just now that Lena looks up and notices they've amassed a fairly decent sized crowd, cameras moving all around them and people taking pictures. Her head's swirling, getting dizzier by the second from the strain, and shit. Kara's right, she should step off.

If she passes out in front of the crowd it wouldn't be a good look, not for her or the conference or anything.

But she doesn't want to lose. But. Fuck.

Lena steps off the rope and leans forward with her hands on her knees, watches Kara twist the rope in her hand a bit, get lower in her stance like she actually  _is_  going to try and win this alone.

She focuses heavily for a few seconds, surprisingly holding her ground as if nothing's changed, as if she never really needed Lena at all, and then she starts...  _giggling_. "Jesus Christ, Lena," she laughs. "Nothing's changed. Were you even pulling?"

"Oh my god. Shut up," Lena says, laughing herself, Kara's giggling downright infectious. And, well, there  _are_  cameras around, might as well give them a show. So she goes over and playfully slaps Kara's bicep, still laughing, then yells, "Let's go, babe. Bring it home for us."

Kara rolls her eyes, but Lena can see her biceps straining even more, can see her pulling harder, and then she  _actually takes a step back_ , and pulls the other team with her.

The crowd around them absolutely erupts in cheers, and Kara's just reveling in it, glowing more the louder they get.

"I better get some sort of reward," Kara yells over the noise. "Putting in all of this work for you."

Someone from the crowd yells, "Give her a kiss," to that. And then, as if on cue, Kara locks eyes with Lena, smiling with her whole face, and yanks the other team over the line. She just... wins it like it was nothing at all, eyes sparkling and face glistening with sweat.

For a few seconds it's like the whole world stops and there's just Kara and how pretty and happy she is, and then it finally starts moving again and Lena realizes the entire crowd is chanting  _kiss kiss kiss._

Before she even gets the chance to let panic register on her face, Kara grabs her into a hug, pressing Lena's face against her sweat-damp t-shirt, and tries to calm the crowd. "No,  _no_ , she's too shy," she laughs. "She'd never kiss on camera."

But someone from the crowd yells, "Just kiss her already," over everyone else, and Lena knows they have to do it.

They talked about it, is the thing. It's not even shocking, it was the  _plan_. They were both pretty sure they were all in and now it's time to put their proverbial money where their mouth is. 

"Heee _y_ , everybody calm down," Kara says to the crowd, fighting a losing battle. So Lena pulls back, lifts up and just... does it.

She kisses Kara, right on her lips. Right square on the center of her mouth, and Kara melts into it so fast, Lena - she almost feels like she can't breathe. Kara sinks into Lena like she's  _hungry_  for her, finger tips gripping into Lena's sides, sinks in like Lena's all she ever--

Fuck, no,  _fuck._  This is a bad idea.

Lena pulls off and  _smiles_ , smiles as best she can, then grabs Kara's hand and shouts, "Are you happy now?" as she drags her away.

 

They don't win the tug-of-war competition, but they do come in second. Next up is push-ups. 

 

"Are we gonna talk about it?" Kara asks, getting in push-up ready position.

"No," Lena says, climbing on top of her and straddling her back, letting her legs dangle. "We better win this one. Put in more of a team effort this time, okay?"

"You know it's the couples' score  _combined_ ," Kara points out. "If you did even one it would help. If you let me do them without you on my back, it'd be even better."

"But then it wouldn't be a challenge," Lena frowns. "And besides, camera's are already starting to line up around us. We're the life of this whole thing, gotta keep the people entertained."

"Fine," Kara says, smiling. She's just complaining, Lena knows it. When they first started dating, Kara used to flirt by making Lena get on her back while she did push-ups. She can do it; she's plenty ready. "So we're not talking about it, but are we gonna do it again?"

"Yes, for the cameras," Lena sighs. "We already discussed this."

It's a shitty idea, she could barely handle the first kiss. But she still has phantom lip tingles and she wants Kara's mouth on her again. She knows the rules, though. Only when cameras are around. Like a business transaction. She won't let this get out of hand.

"Good, just checking to make sure we keep it strictly professional."

Lena swats her shoulder and the guy over the competition blows the whistle. Then Kara's off like it's nothing, matching or beating everyone else in pace. 

"Have I ever not been professional?" Lena asks, already a bit bored.

Kara doesn't answer for a couple seconds, cranking out push-ups, so Lena squeezes her thighs tight around her sides until Kara comes up with, "Do you mean in general, or with me? Because those are two very different answers."

This time Lena decides not to answer, because that could have been a sex joke and with the way her mind has gone today, that's treacherous territory.

She scans the competition instead. It looks like every couple around them has a weak person and strong person, people dropping out left and right. So by the time a couple minutes pass, it's really just Kara and a couple other people, but it feels like Kara's losing steam.

Fuck, Lena actually wants to win this.

"What's going on?" she asks, poking Kara's shoulder. "You're slowing down, we're gonna lose."

Kara grunts on her way down, and then pauses when she's back up and says, "If you really wanna win, you know what you have to do."

Lena looks around her, and  _fine_. She slides off Kara's back and rolls on her own back on the ground, rolling her eyes to show she doesn't approve. It gets a smile out of Kara, which is a pretty nice feeling. "Go, Lee," she laughs. "You've been freed from your weights."

Kara snorts. "Is that a Naruto reference? Never letting you live that down. Never. Oh my god, you're such a nerd. Like, the biggest nerd ever."

"If you ever tell anyone I said that, you'll regret it," Lena says, debating tickling Kara, but deciding she can wait until  _after_  they win. "I know how to wield a blow torch and I'm not afraid to use it."

"We'll see," Kara laughs. "You'd have to catch me first."

 

They  _do_  win the push-up competition, of course. And then Kara snuggles up to Lena on the ground, stinky and sweat-slick and beautiful-- _no--_ annoying. 

"Hey," she says, grinning like she knows she did a good thing. "There's a camera over there aimed at us."

"Yeah, so what?" Lena says, wiggling underneath her, like there's some place else she'd rather be. Even though there isn't.

"Just, you know," Kara shrugs, then she kisses Lena. Quick. On the lips. And jumps off the ground to help pull her up. "Let's go get some lunch, shall we? We can shower and get changed after, saw a couple talks I wanted to go to, an interview with Janelle Monáe too."

 

It's easy to forget they're at a resort with all the activities going on and the cameras and talks and whatnot. But once they sit down at a restaurant, Lena's very quickly reminded where they are by the extensive lunch spread--also by the fact it's all-inclusive.

So she ends up getting pan-fried calamari with hot cherry peppers, and Kara goes with some fancy steak burger with Havarti cheese.

"I'm sorry about earlier," Kara says at some point--some time between finishing off Lena's food and dessert arriving. "Not about wanting to talk, but for how dumb it was--the way I did it."

Lena just waves it off, because they're having a good time, anyway. And they kissed three times on their way here, and she's already in over her head, but she wants to hold on to this happiness for just a little while longer.

Plus she doesn't want to get worked up before Janelle Monáe.

 

Kara kisses her again after lunch, while they're in line waiting for a talk and reporters are around asking people about their experiences so far. After they filter a few questions about the round table and tug-of-war, Kara settles her hand low on Lena's hip.

Lena's less nervous about it, the touches and the kisses, in general. Has settled into it more since this morning, but she's still -  _this_  kiss still catches her off guard.

Kara turns her so they're facing each other, and Lena thinks it's maybe the look in her eyes.

The look that's probably the least amount of professional that Lena's ever seen, the look that enraptures her enough that she snaps her head back right when their lips touch, shocked by the flutter in her belly.

But she leans back in fast, leans in and kisses Kara deeper than any other time they've done today, even opens her mouth  _just_  a little, and lets their tongues brush. 

Even squeezes her eyes shut, lets Kara pull them flush together, and she exhales. She relaxes enough she doesn't actually hold her breath.

It's kind of, every reason why she shouldn't kiss Kara.

 

Their first day at the conference is amazing, overall, so Lena's not sure why she feels the drop later that night right before bed.

She just, feels the overwhelming urge to pull away from Kara. And maybe it's  _because_  they had a good day, or because of the kissing, or because she thinks she's falling in love with Kara. As if she ever stopped loving her in the first place. 

Either way, she decides, "We don't have to cuddle tonight, kind of hot. Think some space is fine."

Kara catches on right away. Lena knows she does because Kara's face always shows what she's thinking a couple seconds before she figures out how to school it. It's one of the things Lena's always liked about her--inherent, built-in, automatic honesty.

"Just tap my shoulder if you need me," Kara says. "And I'll wake up and spoon you. I'm also available to talk, if you want. Since it seems there's something going wrong. But again,  _when_  we talk is up to you. Just not if. The if is up to me, and I say we will."

"Why do you think I left?" Lena asks, laying on her side on her pillow facing Kara. It's a shit question, but now that it's out she wants to know.

Kara considers it for a second; Lena can see on her face how hard she's thinking. After a solid two minutes, she finally comes up with. "I think-- _know_ \--it was definitely me, right?"

Lena blinks at her.

"I mean, because I was leaving so often. Because I wasn't paying enough attention to you."

Lena can feel herself physically recoiling before she even realizes she's doing it, retreating enough that she's near the edge of the bed. She doesn't know what's worse--that Kara's spent time thinking  _that_  about her, or that Kara never noticed the real reason.

"Sorry, I guess that's wrong," Kara says. 

That  _was_  wrong, horribly wrong, and dumb. Lena--she wouldn't just leave for  _attention_ , not--ugh. Fuck.  _Kara_. "You just - you don't understand."

"I know I don't," Kara sighs, and then she flips over so her back's to Lena. So Lena feels cold and lonely. "But I bet I would if you just took the time to talk to me. Bet I could even fix it if you let--"

"Don't," Lena says. "Just don't. Please. There's nothing here to fix."

"Okay," Kara says, then she turns off her lamp.

 

It takes maybe twenty minutes for Lena to give in and cuddle herself around Kara's back. Then Kara flips over and wraps Lena in her arms, and asks the worst thing she possibly could - "You still love me, don't you?"

"Yes," Lena answers, because why lie? It doesn't change anything.

"Then there  _is_  something here to fix," Kara whispers.

And Lena just doesn't respond to that. She wants to believe it too, is the thing. But she's not sure it's - she just doesn't think there is.

 

Her nightmare this time is about  _Kara_  dying in a cave, and that she should be a big fucking glow-up sign to her that this has gone too far. But she still asks Kara if they can stay in bed for a little bit in the morning and just cuddle.

 

"So my talk is tomorrow," Kara says, once she's finally rustled them up to eat breakfast, waving a strip of bacon in the air. "And Cat has us some stuff booked today with the conference, but I think we did great yesterday. So maybe we should just enjoy the resort?"

They did do great yesterday, and the GoFundMe is nearly at a million dollars, so they like,  _do_  have some room to just enjoy themselves. But Lena's not sure if it's a good idea to enjoy herself with Kara. If it's smart. "I don't know, I--"

"I know it's weird since last night I said we can fix it, but that's not what I'm aiming for. I think you should relax. I watched your round table on YouTube and, it's healthy? I think."

But Kara  _did_  say they could fix this last night, so it should maybe be addressed as well.

"I just meant," Kara laughs, as if she's reading Lena's mind. "That, once we talk, we shouldn't rule out that all hope it lost. Maybe it's something we can work through. We're never sure until we're both clear. That's all. I'm just saying let's not throw away hope, okay?"

"Let's not throw away hope," Lena repeats, and Kara's so sure and so pretty that it's hard for Lena to focus on why they  _should_  throw away hope, hard for Lena to do anything but believe her. Maybe all hope isn't lost.

She's officially in the fucked zone.

 

**\+ Part 4: The Fucked Zone**

"Okay, I agree, also, that we should enjoy the resort," Lena defends, hand laced with Kara's as she drags them through the field towards another conference event. "But the water balloon toss, c'mon. It's something I could actually be good at."

"Hey," Kara chirps. "You did great at sitting on my back during the push-ups. Was real proud of you, held your balance the whole time, didn't even fall off once."

"Shut up," Lena says, nudging Kara as they go along, nearly tripping herself in the process. "We toss the balloon, and then we go on your creepy island getaway you've got planned. By the way, don't even  _try_  to kiss me, since it's no cameras. Just setting boundaries now."

"Wouldn't even dream of it," Kara lies, with her lying McLiar face. The only reason people even plan those is for sex, everyone knows--fuck.

 _Ahem_ , Lena coughs, and Kara lifts an eyebrow. "Nothing just had a horrible thought."

"About the cave?"

"Yep."  
  


 

"Who's idea was this?" Lena asks, wiping water off her arms from the  _third_  popped balloon to happen to her. It's like Kara's covered in anti-pop or something. This is Lena's least favorite game. "Seriously, we should fire whoever suggested it."

"Wanna go again?" Kara asks, grabbing another balloon from the tub. "I love this idea. This was the best idea."

Lena grabs her own balloon from the tub and it only takes Kara a second to realize what she's up to. Half a minute later, and an official disqualification from the game, Lena's on the ground winded and she  _never_  even caught up to Kara to hit her.

"It's okay," Kara assures her, helping her up to carry her, giving her a cheek kiss along the way. "Let's get you some water, let you breathe again."

"I wanted to hit you," Lena says, still a little fight left in her, even though her chest is tight and her lungs are absolutely screaming. "Wasn't fair, I'm not myself. You cheated."

"You have to earn your abuse on me," Kara smiles. "Can't just let you attack for free."

"We should have just gone on the creepy getaway like I suggested, last time we listen to your ideas."

"Yes, baby, you're always right," Kara says, lifting Lena higher in her arms and nuzzling against her ear lobe. Lena doesn't really see any cameras around, but she's not calling Kara out on it, doesn't feel the need to. "Next time we do your suggestion, hundred percent."

 

They're not going to have sex, Lena tells herself. They're not going to kiss. Not going to touch. Will barely even talk. They're going off to an isolated beach alone so they can watch the water and eventually stare at the sunset. That's it.

It'll be great--just them, sand, a cabana, the sun, and a hamper full of delicious foods and drinks. Nothing better than that.

 

Lena figures she's in trouble about an hour into it. The problem is that it  _is_  great. They're in a beautiful cabana by the water in a lovely bed, with the freshest fruits Lena's ever eaten.

And Kara's lounging peacefully with her eyes closed, in a swim bra and the world's tightest lycra shorts.

Wait,  _stop_ , she didn't mean to blow past that.  _That_  is the problem--Kara looks more delicious than the fruit does, and she's frustratingly following all of Lena's rules, hasn't even said a word in the past fifteen minutes.

Which is an issue, because she's convinced Lena there's still hope left, and Lena's had to sit with that in her chest all day.

There's a tug in the back of her mind, sure, one that's screaming out the truth. One that knows how small to nil the actual possibility is. But that tug didn't  _see_  Kara's eyes when she said it, hasn't been with Kara this past week to experience how great she is.

That tug isn't taking all the warm feelings Kara offers into consideration. That tug is Lena's defense mechanism, and while it's always protected her--it's also been known to be wrong when it comes to Kara.

She always expects the worst, is the thing, but Kara always finds a way to give her the best. Maybe that's why she believes her.

Either way, she can't take this sitting around in silence anymore.

"You have any games on your phone?" she asks.

Kara pops up immediately, fishing her phone from under her pillow. "Wanna do a Snake vs. Block tournament?"

It takes about fifteen minutes for Kara to kick her ass, and then another fifteen of Lena using her best cheating tactics (i.e., waving her hand in front of the phone) to win, but still losing. And then they spend thirty minutes eating a slow meal and trying to name cloud shapes in the sky.

But that just leaves them with four hours to go, back on the bed, and nothing to do.

Yes, Lena's thinking it, too. No, she's not weak enough to give in.

"Give me your phone," Lena decides. "I'm gonna take pictures of the water to put on Instagram. Maybe I'll gain some more followers since I'm semi-famous now. Also couldn't hurt the GoFundMe."

"Use your own phone," Kara says, lounging with her eyes closed and her hand behind her head. Perfect for Lena to poke a finger in her belly button and make her abs jump as she pops up and laughs. "Now you're really not getting it."

She grabs her phone from under the pillow and holds it high in the air, obviously misjudging what Lena's willing to do just to get her way. She climbs over Kara, straddles her lap, and yanks at her arm, holds it hostage, until Kara finally gives it to her and settles back on the pillow.

"Fine, just make them good ones so I can put them on my Instagram, too."

Except Lena's legs are around Kara now, and she kind of doesn't want to move, and it doesn't seem like Kara's objecting to it. "I've changed my mind," she says. "Just going to take really unflattering pictures of you now."

"Just don't look at my nudes," Kara says, closing her eyes like she's settling into a nap. Which is one of her cutest looks, and counterproductive to unflattering pictures. Not that Kara even has any unflattering angles.

If it weren't for the app Lena's eye catches, she'd go on with taking photos of Kara anyway.

But right there, on Kara's phone, is an app entitled  _Secret Photo Vault - Keepsafe_ , and Lena just  _has_  to click it. She thought Kara was joking about having nudes, but why else would she have a secret app, oh god oh god  _fuck_.

This is the most entertaining this creepy getaway has been so far.

She bypasses the security code with the numbers corresponding to her name, luckily, and she fully expects nudes, even might expect nudes from someone else and Kara's been lying about not seeing anyone.

What she doesn't expect is clicking on the folder labeled favorites, and just finding... pictures of  _herself_.

There're loads of them, hundreds, pictures of Lena laughing and sleeping and working, and just-- _living_ , really. Like they're candids. A whole folder of pictures of her spanning across a couple of years. 

It makes her sad, almost. Thinking of how happy she looked, thinking that Kara has these locked away like she doesn't want to see them.

She can't stop looking though, like it's addicting, heart sinking more the more she goes on. She gets so lost scrolling through them, that when Kara asks, out of nowhere, "Watcha doing?" it startles the phone right out of her hands onto Kara's stomach.

"Um," Lena whispers, reaching to push the phone off Kara's belly, but not quite fast enough.

Kara blinks her eyes down, and once she glances at what's on the phone screen--she looks absolutely mortified. Her face flashes an instant shade of flaming red, her mouth opening and closing several times like she wants to speak but has absolutely nothing to say.

When she finally says something, it's so quiet that Lena barely hears her. "Sorry, weren't supposed to see that, crap. Sorry, it's weird. Sorry."

Then she shoves her arms over her face and groans, abs tensing like she's actually upset.

Which she shouldn't be, and Lena wants to tell her as much.

"Hey," she says, scratching at Kara's abs until Kara makes a miserable little noise. "It's okay, I get it. It's fine. No need to be embarrassed."

"Sorry, I just missed you so much," Kara says. "And I kept looking at your pictures, but it kept making me sad, and I wanted to delete them, but I just couldn't--"

"Whoa, hey," Lena says, leaning forward and getting her hands on Kara's forearms, pressing until Kara lets her slide her arms up and pin them over her head, until she can see Kara's pretty eyes again. "It's really no big deal, okay?"

"Okay," Kara says, "Sorry, really, but if you say it's okay, then okay." She shifts after that, probably her nerves, but it causes Lena to slide down a little more, and. Suddenly she's so close to Kara's face, just a breath away, still holding Kara's arms above her head.

Suddenly their bodies are pressing together, stomachs flush, warm and soft against each other.

Suddenly Kara's expression is shifting to a mixture of shame and arousal and also  _shamed arousal_ , and she's so cute and flushed and  _fuck_ \--

Lena kisses her.

For just a second, one critical second, her mind blanks and that's all it takes for her to break the charade. To cross them over from fun and plausible deniability to the cold, dark, scary place--the place where real feelings and hard, hard heart-breaking conversations exist. 

The place she's been afraid to cross into because she doesn't know what lives there. But fuck,  _fuck_ , fuck if this doesn't feel good.

She kisses Kara uncoordinated and messy,  _wet_ , stinging, feeling Kara's hands flex beneath hers but decidedly not pushing through. Just staying put where she is.

It makes something stir in Lena, just thinking about it, thinking about how Kara's biting Lena's lip and lifting her hips and  _letting_  Lena hold her down even though she's a thousand times stronger. And now all Lena wants is Kara's hands all over her body, touching her,  _feeling_  her.

Shit. She lets Kara's hands go, lets her tangle one in Lena's hair, get a hand on her waist, lets Kara take control of the kiss. Which is maybe a mistake, because Kara slows it down.

She slows it downdown _down_ , and absolutely destroys Lena's mind. When it was fast, frantic, it could have been mistaken for pure passion, something they could laugh about, blow off, shake away. But now Kara's  _slow_  kissing Lena, feeling out every inch of Lena's mouth with her tongue, and  _god_.

There's no shaking this away, there's no denying the sharp increase in Lena's heart rate, the tug in her chest, the heat rolling through her belly in waves so thick she just might cry from how good this feels.

There's no denying the utter disappointment she feels when Kara pulls away and blurts, "Oh, hi!"

Wait, what? "What?" Lena asks.

"Don't panic," Kara says, which absolutely makes Lena panic and smash her face against Kara's neck, hurting her nose. "There's just. A random lady behind you. Hello? Hi. I think you're on the wrong private beach."

"Are we gonna die?" Lena whispers.

"She's like 5'2, 110," Kara says, loud, loud. "I can definitely take you if you want to fight. Just saying."

Lena hears laughter from behind her, then feels a dip in the bed as the woman says, "Hi, I'm Valerie, been trying to locate you all day."

"Oh, hi," Kara says, a bit friendlier this time, nudging Lena encouragingly. "You're who Cat told us about. We're Lena and Kara, nice to meet you. Thought we'd enjoy some time to ourselves today after Lena got us DQ'd from the water balloon toss."

"Oh god," Lena laughs, pressing a kiss against Kara's neck before climbing off her and turning around. "Why're you searching for us? Something wrong? Kara's talk is tomorrow. We're still doing the big interview in a couple of days."

"Oh, none of that really matters," Valerie says, waving her hand through the air, which. Why the fuck are they even here, then, honestly? Well, not that she's complaining about a free vacation. "I brought you here for a better reason, why I came to search for you today."

If she has something that's better than sex with Kara after six months without seeing her, then Lena's a fucking monkey's uncle.

"What's that?" Kara asks, curious like she's thinking the same thing.

"I'm in the process of developing state of the art diving technology, and I thought--why not have  _the_ Kara Danvers try it out herself? No better diver in the world, right?" she asks, smiling at Kara. "There's a cave about an hour from here if you're up for it?"

Straight to the point, wow, okay. Not like she didn't just find them on top of each other. Literally, come  _on_.

" _Oh_ ," Kara says, face lighting up like that  _is_  better than sex. Which, again, literally come  _on_. "That seems fun, wow. We're just sitting around, like--this got a bit boring after the first hour, so I think we're definitely down. Lee?"

"Well," Lena starts, apprehensive. She doesn't really  _want_ \--

"Plenty of tech-toys for you to play with," Valerie adds. "You could probably even make some better. I've seen your research and it's phenomenal."

"Yeah, Lee's the smartest person I've ever met," Kara adds on, which, may be true, but Lena's not really interested.

But - but,  _also_ , she doesn't want to be the person that kills all the fun. It's just a test dive. It's just a test dive, nothing serious. It's okay.

"Yeah, why not?" Lena shrugs.

 

Turns out by state of the art technology, Valerie legitimately meant state of the art technology. Looks like the shit Lena was able to make back when she still worked for her Mother's company, when she had unlimited resources and never had to worry about money. Must be nice.

"This is a diving suit that lets us monitor your vitals in real time," Valerie explains. "It also has in-cave location tracking that maps where you've been and how to get back to the entrance--eliminating any guide-wire mishaps. Or, that's the goal, at least. Haven't had it used yet."

Lena sort of hates the idea of  _haven't had it used yet_ , but Kara looks ecstatic, so she goes with it. 

 

In fact, she's going along with the whole thing just fine, until she actually sees Kara getting into her diving gear.

Which. Crap.

So that tug in the back of her mind, the one telling her hope  _is_  lost,  _that one,_ it's pulling full-force now. And she knows--just by the look on Kara's face, her reaction to this, how excited she is--that the tug is probably right. She hates it, but it is.

Caving is as much a part of Kara as her lungs and heart is, and that's the issue.

"Why do you like caving?" Lena asks, watching as Kara slips one of her diving boots on, and Kara quirks her brow curiously. "I mean, I know - I know why, but like. After what happened two years ago, why did you go back? I just - I never got the chance to properly ask."

"Oh," Kara says, soft like maybe this is too hard to answer, but face settling into something like understanding. Lena doesn't think she actually knows what she's understanding, but. "After what happened, I - I tried to stay up here, I did. I was up here for--"

"--six months," they both say in sync.

"Yeah," Kara says. "I just, I felt so lost, though, you know? I didn't know who I was anymore, my purpose. I lost so much, felt so sad. Was apparently crap at being a wife, too," she gestures. "When I was up here, it's like I was a shell of a person. But in caves it's like, when I was in a cave I knew what I was doing. I knew what the goal was, how to accomplish it. I felt in control. In a cave I could hold a mirror up to myself and say ' _this_ ,  _this is who I_   _am_ ' _._  So that's why I went back, Lena. It was never about leaving you, it was always about finding me."

"I know," Lena says, because she knows. She's always known, that was never the issue. She never thought Kara was running away from her. She knew what the caves did for Kara, she  _knows_ , and that's why the tug in her mind is winning now.

Still, she'll let herself feel happy with Kara as long as she can, as much as she can before reality hits.

Lena climbs down and settles on the floor next to Kara and pulls her into a hug, kisses her shoulder before settling her head on it. "I'm really glad you have something like that, a place, just  _somewhere_  you can feel okay. Really. I've always been glad you have that."

 

As soon as Kara checks in on her comms, says, "Alrighty, in the water," the dread starts setting in, rolling through Lena like a storm cloud.

It's like clockwork: Kara--cave--anxiety. Tick--tock--tick. Fuck.

The worst part comes nearly twenty minutes later. Lena does okay, does fine, chest only a little tight, breaths only a little shallow. That is, right up until they hear a noise, then Kara saying, "Oh, crap.  _Crap_. Think some rocks just fell beside me, stirred up a lot of silt. It's like driving in a deep fog right now, and your GPS is going all kinds of wonky."

"Shit," Valerie mumbles. "That's the same issue we were having when we tested it on the ROVs, gonna have to fix that."

 _What the fuck_ , Lena wants to say. What the fuck? She sent Kara down there with shit equipment, and now.  _Now_ , Lena's panic is really setting in--she feels cold, damp, nauseous. Feels like her muscles are tensing up, like she's floating out of her body. 

"I just need a second to think," Kara says. "Just give me a bit."

And then there's nothing, there's nothing from Kara for a good three minutes and it's awful.

Lena can feel her belly knotting in the silence, twisting and churning against itself until she's so nauseous she can hardly stand up right. She doesn't like this. She doesn't  _like_  this.

It's not even helping that she can  _see_  Kara's vitals, that she knows she's probably okay, that. U _gh_ , fuck, maybe she's not okay, maybe her heart rate is a bit too low. Maybe--

 _No_ , her heart rate has always been low. Her vitals are fine, finefine _fine_.

The real issue is Lena doesn't know what's down there, can't see it for herself, can't judge how bad it is. Kara could get lost, could  _be_  lost, could run out of air, could be sunk by falling rocks. She could legitimately die.  _Shit_.

"Kara?" Lena calls out, tentatively at first. Her heart's jackrabbiting against her chest, chills climbing her spine, hairs raising on her arms and back and neck and fuck this is  _not_  good. "Kara, hey.  _Kara_. Just get out of there, get out while you can. Kara--"

"Sh _hh_ , baby," Kara finally says into the silence, soft, calming. So sweet that Lena's belly flutters and irritation clumps in her throat, because - because she hates that she can't calm down, never could, just  _can't_. "It's okay. I'm fine. I'm just trying to think. I need you to stay calm, alright?"

Lena has half a mind to snap at her, but Kara's still underwater and she's still not safe, and Lena still feels like she's going to be sick with how worried she is. "Yeah, fine, yeah. Just be careful. If it looks too dangerous, there's no use in risking your life."

"Just take a deep breath, Lee," Kara whispers. "It's okay, alright? It's just a friendly dive. Nothing's wrong, I swear. Was just a little lost for a second, happens all the time, promise baby."

The most frustrating part is that Kara's trying to calm Lena down, isn't angry or frustrated with her, just genuinely concerned and worried, and. She's just  _helping._ She's actually helping.

She's risking her life right now and still pausing to help Lena, and Lena hates every second of it.

"Don't worry about me, you big dummy," Lena says, trying her best to keep her voice even so Kara doesn't notice she's shaking. She's shaking, jesus she's--she hasn't felt this in so long, she almost forgot how incredibly shit it is. "Just worry about getting yourself out of there alive, okay?"

"Worrying about you  _is_ what gets me out alive," Kara says simply. Then, before Lena can even respond, she adds, "Alright, I see a place where she goes, gonna explore it a bit, then head back--don't wanna miss dinner reservations, you know. Lee has a  _mean_  glare."

She's joking, she's  _joking_ , and her and Valerie are laughing and Lena can't fucking take this. It's always  _this_ , always these caves that Kara gets so fucking excited about, cares so much about.

And these caves - these fucking caves don't give a fucking shit about her, would just chew her up and spit her out if they could. Leave her body torn and mangled for someone else to find, and ugh,  _ugh_  fuck. Lena's going to be sick. She  _is_  sick. Fuck. 

"I'm gonna, have to go, just find me in the room," she says, then snatches her comms off without waiting for a response, runs out of the building, and throws up in the sand. Twice.

 

By the time Kara gets to the cabin, she's out of breath and obviously frantic, and Lena's on the floor--leaned against the couch with her head tucked in her knees. This was a bad idea. This whole thing was a shit, terrible, bad idea.

"Hey, hi,  _Lee_ ," Kara says, squatting down in front of her as soon as she sees her, going for her lips but Lena pulls away. 

"Don't kiss me, I threw up and I haven't brushed my teeth yet," Lena says. 

Kara just stares at her for a second, upset, confused, a lot of other emotions Lena's too tired to figure out.

Then she whispers, "It's because of the caves, isn't it?" like a sudden realization is setting on, like she's just now really, really getting it. Just now noticing. 

But that'll have to wait. Maybe tomorrow. Lena's not feeling it; today was too much already. She can't.

"Kara--"

"That's why you left like that," Kara cuts in. "It's the caves, the  _caving_ , that's what it is. That's what it's been the whole time. That's what-- _crap_."

No. She can't do this--no. Lena gets off the floor, stands up and clears herself of Kara, takes a step away.

"It – it wasn't - I'm so sorry. It must have. God, Lee. So much was going on and I didn't know how to handle it all, and the caves were like, they were like a safe haven, and--please, Lee. Please just talk. I know I said I'd wait for you, but please. Please just. Please."

Lena takes a step back, and then another, keeps going until she's nearly pressed against the door, ready to open it and run at any moment. It's a shit way to deal with this conversation, but she never actually planned on  _dealing_  with this conversation.

"I wish you'd just shut up sometimes," she says, harsher than she means it, but it's like all the blood is suddenly rushing to her head and she feels stopped up, numb, hot and tingly, like she just might burst if she lets this go on. "You can't just – can't just force this, force  _me_."

"I told you we're talking about this, and goddamnit Lena. We are  _going_  to talk about it," Kara says, her voice firm, sure. Pressing Lena like she's not being cruel right now, like she even has a  _right_  to bring this up, to start this conversation.

Lena looks at her, just stares at Kara for what feels like forever, seconds building into minutes, praying Kara will drop this, but she doesn't. She's breathing hard and clenching her fists, and her big blue eyes are obviously stormy even from where Lena's standing, but she's not dropping this.

"I don't want to," Lena finally says, but her voice comes out strangled this time, softer.

She doesn't know what to do. She wants to fight but she also doesn't, knows it's just a shitty instinct, a defense mechanism she doesn't need right now. She knows it's not Kara's intention to get her worked up for no reason, knows Kara actually wants to  _talk_. But. She doesn't  _want_  to.

Not about this.

So she turns and leaves the cabin, fumbles off the deck and slips her way through the sand as quick as possible. It's clumsy and her feet keep threatening to trip her, but she keeps going, as fast as she can, for what must be five minutes she just keeps sprinting so she can get away.

She needs to get away, needs to get off this island, not be  _here_. She shouldn't be here, not with Kara, not doing this dumb shit where they pretend they have something they lost already.

This was a mistake and she knew it from the fucking beginning and was too dumb to not let it happen. 

Fuck, she's so stupid, the stupidest, dumbest fucking idiot in existence.

She can't even stop her tears from falling, can barely see even though it's light, can barely stop herself from sobbing like this is some fucking shock. When it isn't. She knew, she just  _knew_.

"Lena," she hears from behind her, close, so close that Kara must have been following her this whole time. And then Kara's hands are on her waist, and Kara's turning her around. And Lena's breathing hard and crying uglily and she doesn't want Kara to see, but she's looking right at her.

Lena pushes her away and takes a couple steps back and she just wants to get out of here, but she knows Kara's faster and she'll keep wanting to talk.

And she doesn't really want to talk, but suddenly she's talking and fuck, fuck, fucking fuck fuck.

"You went into that cave with Alex and five friends," she starts, twisting her hands together and clenching her teeth because her lips want to curl with how much she's crying. "I woke up to so many texts, and they all - they all said that they couldn't find you, that you - all of you were supposed to come back the night before, but you didn't. And no one knew what happened, no one could contact you, no one knew where you were. Two days passed with nothing,  _nothing_. Then Alex came out alone and said four of you were dead, and that. She said it was you and her and someone injured, and that there was only enough air for one of you to make it out, and  _you_  told her you'd stay and she should go."

"It was a smart choice," Kara says. "She's faster than me, and I'm more experienced at breathing cave air. It was the only chance that we live, sending her for help."

"I know," Lena says, wiping her eyes. "I know, but it took them another twenty six hours to get you out, and I spent that entire time thinking you were dead already. Then you came home and six months later went on another expedition. And it's like my world stopped."

"Lena--"

"No, Kara, just let me say this," she waves her off, not bothering with wiping the tears anymore because they just keep coming and coming and coming. "Every time you left, I stopped existing. You went days without contacting me. I had horrible nightmares about you dying, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat, couldn't function. I threw up every day, got fired from my job for breaking down every day, started taking medication because I was having constant panic attacks, and it's like--I couldn't even say anything, because then I'd be the shit wife commanding attention when  _you're_  the one that lost so much. I didn't know what to do." 

" _Lena_ \--"

" _No_ ," Lena cuts her off, loud. "You were  _so_  unhappy when you were with me. Your eyes only lit up when you were planning another trip, and I just, I felt like--I knew the only reason you even took breaks was to see me, but it just made you sad. I just made you sad. I could only make you sad."

"That's not true," Kara says, shaking her head. "It wasn't like that."

She takes a step closer, then another, keeps going until they're toe-to-toe, close enough to touch. Lena lets her head tip down, and Kara meets her halfway, cupping Lena's face with her hands and lifting it back up, running her thumbs across her cheeks to dry them.

Kara, she - she just looks so sad, looks like she's twelve steps past falling apart--cheeks splotchy, eyes bloodshot and glistening, nose  _red_. Neither one of them have ever been attractive criers, but.

Lena hasn't - she hasn't seen Kara like this since the f _unerals_ , and it's making everything so much harder to say.

She's always known how much Kara  _feels_ , underneath her happiness and optimism there's always been  _more_. But Kara's always been the one that was better at handling hard things. She was always better than Lena, and then when she wasn't, Lena just didn't know what to do.

She couldn't handle it. She just couldn't, and she feels so guilty about that. She fell apart and it wasn't her turn to. It was  _Kara's_  turn and Lena was the one that was supposed to be strong.

"I'm sorry, okay?" she whispers. "I should have been there for you. I should have been stronger. I should have been better. I should have--I shouldn't have been so weak, but I was, so. So I'm sorry. I know I let you down, and I feel so guilty about it, and--"

She stops short, sound choking off around the lump in her throat. She's stuffy and hoarse, and her voice keeps _keeps_  cracking, and it feels like her whole body stutters every time she tries to take a deep breath, chest hiccuping and tightening because  _she can't breathe_.

She's crying so hard she can't breathe, and it's so dumb because this was never supposed to be about her but she made it that way.

"I just thought maybe I should go. I wasn't helping, and I couldn't handle you caving, not after what happened, and I couldn't ask you to give it up because it was helping  _you_. And I knew I was just being selfish for even wanting you to stop, but--"

"What if I wanted to pick you?" Kara cuts her off. "What if I wanted to pick you over the caves and you just took the option away?"

No that's - it's not. "I don't want you to hate me for making you give up--"

"Lena, I don't  _know_  how to hate you," Kara snaps, face so red it's almost alarming. "I don't know how to hate you, okay? And trust me, there was a while there where I tried. I tried really hard, but. I just want you. More than caves. More than anything. I need  _you_."

"No, you just said before you went into the cave today--"

"Everything I said to you was in the past tense. I've had a lot of therapy since you left. I'm okay up here, too. I'm better now. And me being better showed me just how bad I was. That's how I knew it was me, okay? That's why I didn't blame you for leaving, even without knowing why." 

"But you're so good in caves," Lena says. "When you rescued me, you were so good. You just--you were so confident and skilled, and you. That's  _you_. Caves are everything to you, and that's fine. I'm glad you have that, but I. I'm sorry. I don't know how to exist in that world with you."

"Lena,  _you're_  everything to me, okay? And I only want to be in the world you exist in. So we'll figure it out, even if it means no caves."


	4. you make my world light up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi, hello, hey all--before we get into the last chapter, just wanted to thank everyone that's given this story a read and everyone that's left kudos or feedback or spilled their hearts to me on tumblr haha, because i really super appreciate it, more than i have the brain power to convey.
> 
> but, seriously, ive had a ton of fun writing this, and I thought it was a concept i alone was interested in lol, so all the positive feedback has been amazing. this is a lovely fandom, and etc etc sappy things.
> 
> anyway, thanks a ton to everyone who's given this story enough of a chance to make it to the last chapter. as always, hope you enjoy.
> 
> im over on tumblr: [here](https://valkyrieskwad.tumblr.com/) if you wanna talk to me

**\+ Part 5: Healing? Maybe.**

The exhaustion hits her like a sack of bricks. No more than a minute into them walking back to the cabin, Lena feels like her entire body starts breaking down--legs weak and shaky, arms heavy, head throbbing,  _eyes stinging_.

Literally every single part of her feels like absolute, complete death, and it's taking everything she has to keep going.

So, after Kara asks to help several times and Lena nearly falls in the sand on multiple occasions, she finally gives in and lets Kara carry her back. 

She lets Kara carry her to the cabin, take her to the bed, cover them in blankets, pull Lena into her arms so Lena's face is pressed against her t-shirt. She lets Kara tell her _everything's okay_ , lets her kiss her forehead. Lets Kara rub her back and her arms and brush her fingers over her neck.

She's practically buried in Kara's shoulder by the time Kara slides her hand up to her hair, fingers scratching at her scalp and sorting out the tangles.

It's a slow, assiduous process, considering the shit state her hair's currently in, but it's just the right mind-numbing, methodical action to settle Lena down. To settle both her  _and_  Kara down. They're both slow and quiet and soft right now, and it's perfect after what just happened.

"Thank you," Lena says after a while, voice hoarse and still cracking and pretty much destroyed from the crying. She still feels like there's this cloud over her, still feels like things aren't properly settled yet. But her whole body feels numb, as if she's already passed out, and she just--as long as she's sure she hasn't yet, she needs to say this. "Thank you for making me talk."

"Don't thank me," Kara whispers, massaging her thumb over Lena's ear. "I'm the whole reason we got this way."

Lena sighs when she feels Kara's lips brush against her forehead again. Then she presses deeper into her chest, trying to curl up as small as she can. She feels so heavy for some reason, so distant even though they're close. "I don't want you to give up caving."

Kara tightens her arm around her protectively. "If it comes down to you or caving, I swear I'm not picking - Lena, I - you're the only person I'm ever going to love, I just. I'm not losing you, please. Not over  _that_. I can find something else. I can't find another you."

It's not that simple, though. Somewhere, deep down, Kara has to know that. But. Now isn't the time, probably. Now just hurts.

"Later," Lena decides, feeling an incredible layer of fatigue settle over her. "We can talk about it later. I think--not to be avoidant--but it's hard right now. Just want to rest a little."

"Okay," Kara agrees. "Think that's a good idea." Lena hums at that, eyes drifting shut, nuzzling into the crook of Kara's neck. And then, right before she starts falling asleep, starts to drift, she hears Kara whisper, "I just really, really want to kiss you, you know?"

And it's, it's too fucking much.

Lena sighs deep into Kara's chest and tries to hide the fact that she's shaking a bit. And it's not even tears this time--she's not crying anymore--it's just that she's got so much pent-up sadness and frustration and stress, and she's so  _so_  fucking tired, but.  _God_.

The thing is, they've been kissing for over a day now. So Lena doesn't know if it's that fact or if it's Kara's tone, or maybe it's the way Kara's breathing hard against Lena, but she gets it.

It's like Lena just  _knows_. She knows what Kara's saying even though she's not  _saying_  it.

She knows that Kara doesn't _just_  want to kiss her, that there're a million other things she wants as well and doesn't know how to say out loud. Like to hold hands in public as a real couple, to call Lena her girlfriend and mean it, to get married again, have 5 kids, adopt 2 dogs, go on vacations.

She knows what Kara wants because she wants it too, but she doesn't know if--she doesn't know  _how_  to make this work.

She just doesn't know how to make herself better, because of all the times life's taken a massive shit on her, this has been one of the toughest to recover from. She wants to be with Kara, she does, but she doesn't want to take away who Kara is in the process.

And it's all too much to think about right now without exploding or imploding or somehow both simultaneously.

But,  _god_ , she really wants to kiss Kara as well, so she says, "Yeah, me too, so much."

Then she falls asleep just like that, wrapped up in Kara, still not sure there's anything there for them to fix.

 

She wakes up alone. But before she can think too hard about it, she fumbles out of bed and stumbles to the living area, like she has a sixth sense for seeking out Kara and warmth and cuddles.

She finds her on the couch with her glasses on, staring intensely at her laptop screen and pinching her lip between her thumb and finger.

As soon as Lena's close enough to clearly see her even through her sleep-bleary vision, she makes a whiny noise and Kara looks up and greets her with a smile. Then she closes her laptop and sets it on the table, reaches out for Lena's hand. "Hey, there. Was just working on my presentation."

"For tomorrow?" Lena asks, letting Kara pull her onto her lap and wrap herself around her. "It's still nighttime, right?"

She scrubs her eyes and tries to make sense of her surroundings now that she's no longer hyper-focused on finding Kara. And, okay yeah, it's still dark out, she didn't sleep too long then, should probably have some late dinner.

"Yep, it's for the talk," Kara says, nuzzling against Lena's jaw. Her face feels soft and cold, hair a bit damp, and she's wearing black boxer briefs and a different shirt than before. She must have showered already.

She's clean and smells nice and Lena still hasn't brushed her teeth from throwing up earlier. Which doesn't really do much to stop Kara from trying to kiss her, apparently.

"Still haven't cleaned up," Lena says, nudging her away.

Kara settles for a jaw kiss and squeezes Lena in a tight hug, leaning them both back further into the couch. "Let's get you in the shower, then. I have some food in the kitchen for you, can heat it up. You must be starving."

"Yeah, okay. That sounds good," Lena yawns, sleepy-soft and snuggly.

She doesn't like the thought of being alone right now, even if it's just to clean up, but she doesn't really want to voice that.

Besides, she really  _should_  clean up, still has the day all over her--the getaway and traveling to the cave, the running on the beach and crying, and yeah, she's probably disgusting.

So she lets Kara kiss her jaw again, and then walks into the bathroom and steps right in the shower, not bothering to close the door.

She stands in the spray for a while--scented water coming from eight separate heads at just the perfect pressure and temperature--and tries to scrub the top layer of gross off her skin. It takes her a minute to realize she's trying to wipe off something she can't just wash away.

She still feels sensitive, is the thing--raw, like she ripped herself open and didn't bother to close back up. It's like she got it all out,  _thought_  she got it all out, but apparently there's something still trapped in.

She feels weird and vulnerable and like nothing's resolved, just more complicated. She feels sick and confused and in love and sad, and she's not sure what's right anymore. She feels like she's in a haze, like a walking fog and she doesn't know if this was a good idea.

Seems like the mantra of the trip at this point.

So she steps out of the bathroom no more clear-headed than when she stepped in, but she grabs on one of Kara's shirts--one that's big around her and warm and smells just like Kara--and tries to keep it together when she joins her in the kitchen.

 

They spend the next couple hours hanging out on the couch, reading and snuggling and eating and being cozy. Kara keeps touching Lena like she can't help it, even when Lena's not lying on her chest or lap, follows her like it's instinct and keeps showering her with loads of attention.

Lena feels like she's floating, her heart too big for her chest. She's dreamed about this moment, is the thing, the idea of being in Kara's arms again, being  _taken care of_  again. So it's all a bit surreal and overwhelming for it to actually be happening.

But, eventually, the fog  _does_ start to fade.

It's gradual, but by about one in the morning she starts to feel... a little different. She doesn't feel like she'll drop if Kara stops touching her, doesn't feel fragile or like she'll break at any second.

Instead of stress continuing to build up, it feels like the layers are finally starting to be chipped off. She feels like herself not just from the past six months, when she was maybe getting over Kara - but like herself from before two years ago, before the big crisis.

And she's still in the crisis, is the thing, still lost and confused and scared.

But this time it's not her breaking in half or her running away or her losing her best friend and wife and  _everything_  that's distressing her. It's just Kara trying her best to give up her passion because she loves Lena unconditionally. And Lena can fucking handle that. She can.

The bigger point is that she doesn't feel like the world is ending anymore, and it's been a while since she could say that and  _mean_  it. And not feeling like the world's ending lets her start thinking a lot of things she would have never thought before.

Either way, she stays curled up in Kara's lap a little while longer. Because, well--just because she's finally getting herself back and can properly stand on her own two feet, doesn't mean she doesn't like the way that Kara's playing in her hair.

It's just - it's a bit funny, she thinks. Feeling so settled now that she's started getting the words out, feeling...  _better_. She always thought she'd feel worse, always thought that once she voiced things, stars would burst, planets would collide, she'd lose Kara with an unmitigated certainty.

Because for so long her thoughts were driven by guilt, her actions too.

Everything she hid or pushed down or carried on her shoulders was because she felt  _guilty._ She couldn't say those things because she shouldn't have been feeling them. Or she couldn't talk about the caving because Kara's needs were more important than her's, but.

But now there's something different stirring in her, something new she's feeling, something else she wants to  _say_. Because maybe she never should have felt guilty at all.

Because--now that she thinks about it, now that she knows how good it feels to get things in the open, now that she knows how resilient their relationship has the capability of being, even through the bad shit--she's realizing that her thoughts were wrong in more ways than one. And it's just a bit funny that it's taken her this long to see it.

Lena shakes her head and slowly straightens up. Kara's eyes lock on her immediately and she brushes a hand over Lena's belly, underneath her shirt. It's a nice feeling, Kara being so attuned to her, but Lena still--she just feels unsettled. "Everything alright, baby?"

"I don't know," Lena says, shrugging her shoulders. It feels like she's churning from the inside, not with nausea this time, but with--something else. She needs to get things off her chest. She needs to  _talk._ "I feel like - like there's a lot I want to say, but I don't know how it'll come out once I start talking. I don't want to be rude, or come off--"

"Just say it how you want to," Kara says, straight away, voice soft and encouraging and  _sure_ , eyes dark and sincere as she straightens up next to Lena. "Don't worry about me or anything else. Just say what you need to say, how you need to say it."

Lena turns in Kara's lap, then scoots back a little on the couch so she can face her. She lifts an eyebrow to check if Kara's sure first, and when Kara nods she says the first thing sitting at the forefront of her mind. "I was strong. I know I said I wish I wasn't weak. But. I wasn't weak. I wasn't."

"You weren't weak, I know. You've always been strong," Kara echoes, brows furrowed in sincerity.

"I was there for you," Lena goes on, knotting her fingers together. "As long as I could be, I was. And I think--" Well, she actually doesn't know how to say what she thinks since her thoughts feel so scattered, but she needs to get whatever  _this_  is out. "I used to think you were perfect, you know? And that's kind of dumb from where I'm sitting now, but you'd never let me down. So when I was feeling like absolute shit in your presence, instead of realizing you were hurting me, I thought the problem was myself, thought something was inherently wrong with  _me_ , and my feelings."

"There isn't," Kara says slowly, fingertips grazing Lena's knee. Even now, Kara just looks supportive, but that doesn't - it doesn't take anything back.

"You bent me for so long, bent me so hard that I snapped and you didn't even notice it," Lena says, taking in a deep, deep breath. "And I should have said something, I know, but. That wasn't okay. And I know you were hurting, but that didn't give you the right to abandon me."

"I know," Kara assures her. "I know."

And she genuinely feels like Kara does know and understand that already, but Lena still wants to finish this.

"I know it wasn't your intention, and I've made all sorts of excuses for you these past couple years in my head, but I was your wife and you shut me out so hard you didn't even realize how much I was falling apart. And then earlier you said you tried to hate me, and that just. That just shows me how much you didn't even bother to see me. Everything was just about you--everything. It's been the Kara show for two years. And it was that way in  _your_  head as much as it was in mine, and neither one of us gave a fuck about  _me_ for so long."

Kara flinches like Lena's  _physically_ hurt her, eyes wide and dejected, and then her face just settles into something like acceptance. "I know. I was so crappy, I know. But I see you now, Lena. I promise, I--"

"I know you do," Lena cuts her off, because she knows that. "But if you ever do that again, I... Look, if we can't figure out the caving, that's fine. I really want you to be happy, I do. But if you do  _that_  again. If that's what ends us, then that's not okay. And that's--I just wanted you to know that."

"Yeah, of course," Kara says, pulling Lena back into her lap and snuggling around her again. "I'm sorry. I really am. And I plan on showing you how committed I am to being better every day that you'll have me."

"I know," Lena says, heart beat fast enough she feels shaky. "I just needed to say that. For myself. I needed to--I just need you to know you don't get a second chance to do that to me again. I won't let you. I'll leave and it's off for good."

"Okay, yeah, I get that. But I  _do_  get a second chance to be better?" Kara asks, tucking her face against Lena's neck and kissing the skin. "Because it sounds like - like you want to try again? And, if that's the case, then I'm serious when I say I won't mess this up. I swear. I won't."

Lena's instinct is  _still_  to take it all back--to tell Kara it wasn't her fault, and she didn't mess up, and didn't do anything wrong, and it was just the circumstances, but. Then she doesn't know where to put all of  _her_  hurt feelings. But she also doesn't want to be an asshole, because,  _ugh_.

Fuck. "I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't mean--"

"You do mean it," Kara says, shifting Lena so she can stare at her with her overwhelming blue eyes. She has a worry crinkle between her eyebrows that Lena just wants to smooth out with her thumb, but she tangles her fingers in Kara's shirt instead.

"I was hurting, I know, but I still hurt you in the process," she continues. "I know there's the saying where hurt people hurt other people, but it doesn't have to be that way. I could have been better. I could have healed without losing you. Honestly, I should have noticed how much you were hurting, but I didn't. I knew you were sad, yeah, but--like you said, I thought it was because I wasn't--I made it about  _me_  in the wrong way. So you do mean it. And that's okay."

Oh.

So maybe it's dumb. No, scratch that, it's probably objectively dumb, but part of Lena really just, needed to hear that. She needed to hear it from  _Kara_ , specifically. Like, she knows her own feelings are valid and that she should believe them, but.

It still feels good to hear it from an outside source.

It feels good having someone else defend her right to have complicated, complex, mixed feelings in a fucked-up situation and just. To hear she deserves to be acknowledged as much as anyone else. As much as Kara does.

Even if it wasn't her turn to be hurt.

Which should be a given and obvious, she knows, but this feels so  _nice_ , comforting, validating. She feels like she can fucking breathe again and let herself--let her  _feelings_ \--flow freely. Without guilt or shame or any of the other things she should have never felt.

"I know," she says, like a weights drifting off her chest, like her lungs are clearing up, like her throat can stop being clumped, like she can stop living in a weird, floaty limbo where she's unsure of everything and unhealthily tough on herself. "I know I - it's what I feel. And that  _is_ okay."

It is. She says it and thinks it with conviction, because it  _is_. But that doesn't mean she's exempt from apologizing for her own shitty piece of it.

"But I shouldn't have run off like that, and I'm really sorry. You didn't deserve it, and I know it hurt, and I know that's why you tried to hate me, and I just want to acknowledge that. I don't want you to think I'm making you out to be some villain, because I know you're not. I just--you left. Emotionally, spiritually,  _physically_ , you left  _me_. Every other month for a year. And it was hard actually losing you after thinking I'd lost you."

Lena shifts forward and leans her head against Kara, lets Kara hug her close and nuzzle against her hair for a while. She just - she lets herself  _breathe_ , breathes and breathes, in and out, until she feels calm and settled enough to speak again.

"I don't know if my fear's been more about losing you to a cave or losing you to caves," she says, a few minutes later, feeling unspeakably better now that she feels like, like she's just got it all out. "But I - I think things'll be better if we do this right. I want to try again. I want to because we used to work well together and be happy and do what we love. And I think we can do that again."

Kara's quiet for a long while, then she says, softly,  _so_  so softly, like if she says it too loud Lena will take everything back - "So, you're saying we should try again? And that--you're saying you want to work things out?"

"Yeah," Lena says, eyes boring a hole into her own hands, twisted together in her lap between them. "I think that's what I'm saying."

She can feel Kara perking up beneath her, and it nearly makes her smile with how obviously happy this makes Kara, how it feels like her whole body's standing on edge, chest rising at a speed that's probably mimicking her heartbeat.

Lena loves her. She loves her so much.

"So what does that mean? Like, what are we?" Kara asks, trailing her fingers along the patterning of Lena's shirt. "Just being, like, extra crystal clear about it all. Are you saying I'm back as just a  _friend_  or that we can take showers together? Somewhere in between?  Do I have to go back to pretending I don't fart and sneak off to poop somewhere that's not your bathroom? Do you mind if I use your tooth brush?"

Lena actually does smile at that, laughing a little as Kara nuzzles her ear playfully. She's not sure how, but it's like - Kara just always knows how to pull it out of her, how to pull her back from her darkness. She misses this, misses having a person, a  _rock_ , she can count on.

"I think it means, well, that we're still fake married, Kara," she says in response, keeping a straight face, voice as serious as possible. Which she only keeps up maybe three seconds before she starts giggling, and Kara shakes her head and kisses right into her smile.

Well,  _kiss_ , may be an understatement. Because it's so much more than that.

There's an instant heat to it, searing, scorching, like volcanoes erupting, like the hadron collider, like that carolina reaper Kara once made Lena eat--so blazing and all-consuming it's like nothing else exists. 

They're not on the couch, not in this cabin, not at a resort or sad or heavy or tired. They're just in space somewhere, floating, happy, in love (maybe? probably), and there's just Kara and her lips. There's just Kara's fingers dipping into Lena's skin, and their tongues brushing together, and Kara moaning into her mouth, and--there are no fireworks, not really. It's not like they're just now realizing they want this, like this,  _love_  this.

There's just them, together, kissing, like it's normal. Like it's something they'll do for the rest of their lives. 

And somehow it's the hottest thing Lena's ever experienced. 

 

She still has a nightmare once they finally fall asleep, because of course she does, but waking up snugged tight in Kara's arms is never a bad thing.

What  _is_  a bad thing, however, is how much sand there is in the bed from them being on the beach and not washing off before getting in. She'll give Kara shit for her lack of foresight later.

Right now, she just wants to be warm and happy. Because she is.

 

**\+ Part 6: Healing? Definitely.**

Lena's  _trying_  to focus on their joint interview about caving, but she just can't seem to get her head in it. Part of it could be that Cat said this one's not the important joint interview, the hard one, but another part is that she keeps getting insanely distracted by Kara's profile. **  
**

She's working things out with Kara. Like, they kissed, forreal kissed, and she didn't feel guilty about it. And they finally talked and discussed things-- _they're being healthy_ \--and they're trying. Which, Lena knows, isn't a guarantee it'll work, but she never imagined it'd even get this far.

And now that she can appreciate Kara and touch her and kiss her whenever she wants to without internal scolding, it's just, all she wants to do.

So, yeah honestly, this interview never really stood a chance. But she should probably be a good sport and chime in, throw Kara a lifeline since her lips have been moving for the past two minutes.

Lena tunes in at the end of Kara speaking, just in time to hear her say, "...and she used the necklace I gave her, was so proud. She told me down there and everything, like. Right during the rescue. I think she was proud, too. Of being resourceful and whatnot. Right, Lee?"

"Yeah, it's sort of weird," she starts, and then doesn't know where to go after that because she can't exactly say  _why_  it's weird.

Truth is, she wasn't even supposed to have the necklace. Kara gave it to her during their last anniversary, pretty close to Lena leaving. And Lena hadn't given a proper shit about the necklace because it was a  _cave_  gift, and of course Kara would reduce even their anniversary to caves.

Yeah, she was in a shit place.

Anyway, she didn't even know what she did with it, had all but thrown it away. And then she packed up to leave, fairly haphazardly one night, and when she finally settled several states away--the necklace was there. In her things. And she still has no clue how.

But she never stopped wearing it, is the thing. It was the last piece of Kara she had left, and she doesn't even know how it got there. So, yeah, it's just sort of... weird that it's what saved her. She can't say that though, so she wings it, goes with something else.

"Ever since Kara figured out she loved me, so like, a week into us dating--she'd tell me I was her light in the darkness. Which I laughed at every time and always told her it's the worst line I've ever heard used. And for years--like, she never stopped saying this--she just laughed along."

"I guess it was pretty cheesy," Kara says, laughing even now, even though it's obvious Lena's trying to make a bigger point.

"But then I got trapped in a cave, and it was dark," Lena goes on. And... her breath stutters, hitching in her throat awkwardly since apparently she can't say this without cracking, because--it was  _dark_ , it was so fucking dark. It was so dark she felt like she couldn't breathe. It was so dark she felt hopeless. It was so dark she thought slipping in the water and sinking might be a better option than trying to survive. "And I genuinely thought it'd be the darkness itself that killed me."

"Baby," Kara whispers, hand shooting out to Lena's like a reflex.

"No it's okay," Lena says, flipping her hand so she can squeeze Kara's. "It was so dark, I started to feel like I didn't have any reason to go on, to keep trying, and then I remembered this necklace, and. The thing is, I - I didn't even want it when she gave it to me, like, who wants a shark tooth for their five-year? But she thought she was so clever because she said the light line again, and the necklace is a light. Right, get it?"

"Hey, it was a good one," Kara cuts in, eyes positively glued to Lena's every facial expression.

"Anyway," Lena says, smiling at her, watching the sides of Kara's eyes crinkle when she smiles too. "When there was nothing but darkness, that light kept me alive. And I don't know if that's what this dummy has been trying to convey to me all these years, but I'm really sorry for laughing. You're my light, too."

"Oh," Kara says, and then her face heats up so fast Lena's pretty sure she melts. Right in front of the camera. It's going to make for a really, really good bit of television. "Wow yeah, oh. Thanks. I - um, love you."

"I love you, too," Lena says, and tries to stop herself from giggling too hard at Kara sputtering. 

 

It takes a second, but Kara finally fully recovers and decides to kiss Lena right during the interview. Which, honestly, will make for an even better bit on camera, especially since it's probably more illicit than it should be.

Lena wonders how they're going to sell their divorce now that they're like, actually, becoming internet famous. There are already at least six Lena Luthor appreciation blogs. And, no, Lena did not get side-tracked searching while Kara was in the shower today.

But there  _are_  a lot of pictures on the internet of them from this conference. And they sort of look really, super cute together. And the entire internet is noticing, and Lena's just saying--they're kind of just fueling this on at this point.

At least the GoFundMe is well on it's way to two-million.

 

"Wow, you're really killing it with the interviews," Kara says afterwards. "Keep this up and we'll have to get remarried just so we don't break America's hearts."

"Hmm, I'll think about it," Lena hums, letting Kara kiss her forehead in that way that always makes her smile.

"Yeah, but this time  _I_  get to propose, thanks."

Lena snorts. "You could have proposed last time if you didn't take so fucking long."

Kara shifts back, makes sure Lena gets a perfect view of her frown, which is actually quite effective with her whole puppy eyes look. "I had to pick out the perfect ring, like, I couldn't mess that up. It's not my fault I'm easier to shop for."

"Actually, objectively, that is your fault," Lena says. "Don't be so simple next time, and maybe you'll win."

"Oh." Kara wiggles her eyebrows. "So it's a competition now?"

"We can make it one, but only if you wanna lose." Lena wraps her arms around Kara's waist and kisses her, proper for good competition. "Ready to head over to your talk now?"

 

Kara's nervous. She's so nervous, palms actually damp when she squeezes Lena's hand.

She's supposed to go on stage in five minutes, but Lena's been trying to calm her down for the past fifteen and it doesn't seem to be helping that much. "You're cute and tall," Lena tries again. "Everyone's gonna love you, honest."

"You can't tell I'm tall on stage," Kara frowns, clearing her throat afterwards. "Oh  _no_ , my throat's too dry. What if I go up there and try to speak, but instead I just croak. It's gonna be a Twitter meme, and that's what the aliens will find when they discover earth. Stop it, don't  _laugh_."

"I'm sorry," Lena says. "I'm sorry, you're just really cute. I don't even know what the nerves are for, you're just talking about diving all across the world. You could do that in your sleep, babe. Serious. The way you talk about caves, anyone would listen. Promise."

"You're right," Kara says, nodding her head. She adjusts her shirt again. "I can do this, you're right. I think I'm just over-thinking it, freaking myself out. But I can do this."

"Course you can. You're the best there is, and there's a reason for that. Just go out there and share what you love, alright? More importantly, though, go out there and be my cute fake wife," Lena says, giving Kara quick kiss and nudging her along. "Really, you got this."

Kara smiles and squeezes her hand, nods like she believes her, but she still looks a bit nervous when she goes to tell the woman in charge that she's ready when they are.

 

She looks calm, though, by the time she walks on stage, bright and smiley and curly as she waves to the crowd and winks at Lena in the front row. Then she waits a bit for the applause to calm down before she starts speaking, a picture of Lena and her at their first cave as a couple on the large screen.

"There were no real guidelines for this talk," Kara starts. "So I guess I'll be using that to my advantage. I know most of you just want to see cool cave pictures, and  _don't worry_  I have some, promise, don't walk out just yet."

There's a smattering of laughter in the crowd, and Kara laughs herself before she goes on.

"But so far the talks have just been about how cool and fun extreme exploration is. And I think the thing we don't talk about that much is how dangerous it is. This isn't me saying the work isn't worth it, don't get me wrong, but that the safety of it and the  _how to do it safely_  of it, is probably about ninety percent of exploration."

She smiles wide and toothy after that, positively adorable, then adds, offhandedly, "And  _the rest_  is it being fun and cool."

There's more laughter in the audience at that, and. It seems it's already going pretty okay, but Lena can see Kara's taking a long breath, like she's trying to calm herself, like there're still nerves.

But she's doing so well, is the thing, shouldn't be nervous. The crowds basically in her palms two sentences in and that's not easy. Lena wishes she could go up there and kiss her and just tell her that. It was obvious the crowd would love her right from the start.

"So in my talk on  _Seeing the Unseen_ ," she goes on. "We're going to talk about safe exploration, and the dangers of it when you're not taking proper precautions."

She clicks a button and the screen changes, a picture of Kara from seven or eight years ago, her standing next to Cat Grant in her diving gear. 

"Not to get too sentimental, but I kind of want to start with me meeting my wife," Kara says, pausing and getting small cheers from most of the room now, even more once she flicks to a slide of her and Lena smiling.

"So, seven years ago I was twenty-two, fresh out of college and working for Cat Grant. Lena was nineteen, working on her PhD, and winning robotics competitions for creating self-guided underwater drones. And, one way or another, by fate maybe, she ended up on the cave project with me. Then, well,  _then_  it took five months of me flirting for her to realize that... I was flirting."

The crowd absolutely erupts at that, and Kara's just so charming, Lena feels like she's melting a bit.

"But she  _did_  say yes to a date, eventually, so I guess the rest is history. Or, well, two years of dating and her getting so angry I hadn't proposed yet, she just did it herself.  _Then_  history."

Kara winks at Lena after she says it, very obviously, smile nearly splitting her face in two, and somehow Lena's blush gets projected on the big screen for the whole audience to see. Which gets way more cheers and applause than it deserves.

"It may seem like I'm unnecessarily gushing over my wife," Kara laughs. "But, truthfully, in the past seven years, Lena's done more than just win over my heart - she's also contributed tremendously to advancing cave exploration, technology, and techniques, way beyond what we thought was possible before."

Kara presses the clicker in her hand, and the screen flicks to a slide with statistics.

"The current project she's working on has been labeled the biggest cave expedition project in history. And this cave is treacherous and deep and  _huge_ , and eerily unforgiving. Trust me, we've been in it. But, statistically, controlling for all sorts of stuff I asked my sister to calculate last night, this has been the safest cave exploration project in history. Thanks, in large part, to Lena."

Lena feels like her heart stops. She didn't even know that, like, of course she works to keep divers safe, it's all she wants. But she hadn't realized she was - how much of an impact she was actually having.

"A couple years ago, some of you may have seen this," Kara continues, looking down and scuffing her shoe on the floor, "I was involved in a pretty bad caving incident where I lost four great friends." The audience gets  _quiet_ , and Lena - she pretty much stops breathing. "We had - it wasn't even human error, really. Just all sorts of stuff went wrong that can happen in caves. It's dangerous, and we all knew that. But. In the past six months, everything that went to crap in that cave, everything that didn't work or broke or malfunctioned--Lena's either invented something better, made a new protocol, developed better robots, and really, all but eliminated those problems from happening."

"Oh," Lena says, so caught off guard the word actually comes out of her mouth, so caught off guard that she just looks wide-eyed and pale on the big screen right now.

Kara waits for all the applause to die down again, before she starts back talking.

"And maybe it's not obvious what that has to do with seeing the unseen," she says, clicking the screen to a magnificent picture of the cave they're currently exploring. "But she's the reason divers have been able to document so much of this cave, go so deep, get so much done. She's the reason we  _get_  to see the unseen, so I think it's important we talk about it. I think it's important we talk about  _her_  for a little bit."

And then Kara does just that.

She gives an entire talk about Lena and the work she's done and how important she is, and the entire time Lena just feels frozen. Not, like, in a bad way or anything, she just. She feels appreciated in a way she's never felt before.

She's always known she does good work, of course, has won awards and went to conferences, but it's always so focused--just about the software or technology or AI advancements. No one has ever quantified it this way, and it's so good to see.

She's not just making better equipment, or advancing 3D modeling, or whatever else she's doing, she's saving lives. She never really thought about it that way, but she's keeping people safe and it feels nice to have that pointed out. Like she's doing something bigger than she originally thought.

So it's nice, she thinks; a great talk, if Lena says so herself, and Kara had zero reason to be nervous about it. 

 

They end up making out for half-an-hour afterwards, because they  _can_ \--Lena would like to reiterate--but also because Lena doesn't know how else to say  _thank you_.

Not that she hasn't tried to show her gratitude with words, but it mostly led to blushing and that mostly led to kissing, and so yeah, they're  _here_  now.

They're tucked off in the alcove of an empty corridor in the convention center (because they have shit to do later, and going back to the cabin every time they want a kiss isn't practical) and Lena's on Kara's lap on the floor.

"Mmm," Lena hums, happy and calm and chatting with Kara in between kisses. Her life is positively brilliant. "Thanks for pointing out how I keep people safe, and saying it on stage and everything. When everyone clapped I felt sort of like a hero. And I never feel like - I mean  _you're_  always the hero, you know?"

"We can both be heroes, I don't have a monopoly on it," Kara says, biting at Lena's jaw playfully.

Lena sighs a little. "No, that's - I get that. I just mean. When you go in a cave and rescue someone, they put you on the news, not the person that designed your re-breathers or diving suit. Not to downplay rescues, it's just. Sorry, it's just nice."

"No, don't apologize," Kara says, leaning back on her hands and smiling up at Lena. "That's exactly why I did it. But also because you've gone through so much these past years, and you've been really hard on yourself. And I wanted to show you that you turned your fear into something. Like, you're making diving safer every day, and I thought someone should point it out to you. And also, just, say thanks."

"No,  _I_  should be thanking - um - I just, I think we should go out tonight," Lena decides, slipping her hands underneath Kara's shirt and trailing up her sides. An action that's maybe too intimate for when she says, "As a first date. I want - I want to get back to  _us_ , to be happy again."

"Sounds good to me," Kara says. "Have something in mind for what you wanna do?"

"There's an underwater restaurant," Lena says. "It's like an aquarium, but better. Since  _we're_  in the tanks. I think it'd be a fun place to go. Plus it'll be good for me, being underwater somewhere. Like exposure therapy."

"Clear water and fishies always sounds like a good time," Kara says, leaning up to kiss Lena, lingering a bit so she can nip at Lena's bottom lip. "And I'm definitely on board with a first date, taking things slow, easing back into it. I just want to do this right, don't want to mess it up."

"Good," Lena says, smile reflecting Kara's. "We do this right, take it slow."

 

Which sounds like an excellent idea, right up until they finish dinner (which is amazing and lovely and they both op to not have fish dishes to respect their company), and they end up at an event party that has good music and Armand de Brignac being handed out freely.

And after four glasses of champagne, Kara can't seem to keep her hands to herself on the dance floor--which isn't completely (or at all) uninvited, but there's still the principle of it-- _it's a first date_.

Which, honestly, Lena's forgetting herself the longer the night goes on.

Anyway, "This is our  _first_  date," Lena laughs, ungluing Kara's hand from her ass again, and trying her best to dodge Kara stepping on her toes as they slow dance. It's not even a slow dance song, Countdown by Bey, but. They're fucking failing at this first date thing, seriously.

"Sorry," Kara giggles, cheeks pink from the drinks, fringe slicking down to her forehead since she insisted on wearing a fancy long-sleeved button down and nice black pants for their date.

Lena's no better--has on a long-sleeved black dress, but at least hers has slits on both sides all the way up her thighs. She  _never_  gets to go out, she wasn't going to waste the opportunity. "The first time was  _sorry_ ," Lena laughs back, "This is the fifth time. You have a problem."

"We can't leave it on an odd number, can we?" Kara asks, slumping forward and sliding her hand to Lena's ass again. Lena can't help but laugh when she squeezes it, tucking her face against Kara's chest to hide the heat in her cheeks. "She's so nice, missed her so much."

"First. Date," Lena punctuates, leaning back so she can thump Kara's nipple this time instead of moving her hand. Kara yelps and pulls up right away, frowning profusely with her brows furrowed. "Hey, you deserved it, don't frown at me."

"You could've just asked nicely, 'm receptive to a nice tone when you're making requests."

"You're right, I should've said please as I thumped it, less rude," Lena mocks, biting her lip over her grin when Kara squints at her. But  _then_  Kara looks down and starts rubbing circles over her nipple. And it's probably drawing unnecessary attention to them, so Lena decides it's time for plan B. "We can go outside, yeah? There's seating out there and the stars look nice tonight."

Which seems to sufficiently distract Kara, because she stops touching herself and starts looking around until she spots the door to the outside area. Then she laces their fingers together and guides them towards it.

As soon as they make it out, Lena feels like the breath is knocked out of her; the cool air, the stars, the sounds of the ocean waves, Kara ducking down and restyling her hair quickly like she's actually as nervous as she'd be on a first date.

It's just. Kara's strong but soft, and fiercely determined but caring, and Lena had an actual emotional crisis this morning when she realized they couldn't kiss in bed all day.

And she doesn't know what the future has in store, beyond the fake paradise of this island, but she knows she wants to face it with Kara.

"Look," Kara chirps, pointing off to the side of them. And there's literally an entire tray of champagne glasses, like someone's set them down and just forgot to retrieve them. Kara pulls them over and picks one up, then pauses. "So, we've had a few already?"

"What's an extra one, then?" Lena asks, grabbing her own glass. "Besides, we're celebrating. To a great first date."

She knocks her glass against Kara's and then maybe chugs her champagne too fast. Which is just fine because Kara chugs hers slow, giving Lena enough time to switch out for another without her even noticing. Also gives her a chance to watch how Kara's throat moves as she drinks.

"You wanna sit somewhere?" Kara asks after she's finished, once she's done blinking away the rush of the wine. "My balance isn't what it used to be, like, thirty minutes ago."

"Yeah, there's a sofa area," Lena points out, and then she lets Kara lead her there, making sure she carefully brings the tray along. Kara sits down first, in a single sofa and spreads herself out, clear she expects Lena to cuddle up in her lap.

So she does, keeping the champagne on the table close by.

Kara immediately gets her arms around Lena, pulling her snug to her chest, rubbing her face against Lena like... mostly just like someone that's pretty drunk. A few seconds later, Kara says out of nowhere, "I'm happy you went down in the cave." 

Which, is an interesting thought. "Because I got trapped and needed you?" Lena asks, playing with the buttons on Kara's shirt.

Kara sort of stares at her. "No, that's..." she trails off, laughing afterwards and shaking her head. "No, Lena, I'd never wish something like that happened to you. I'm just happy you got to see it. Caving is as much a part of you as it's a part of me. Just different ways."

"Oh." Lena drops her hands in her lap and Kara immediately covers them with her own--just one of her hands, and it's nearly dwarfing both of Lena's. "Yeah, I guess it is, I just never..." she stops short herself, letting Kara play with her fingers. "You think it'd be different if I just. Went with you?"

"You couldn't, you had that job," Kara says right away. "You were doing really important--"

"But I got let go, anyway," Lena cuts in, and suddenly the wind feels a bit colder than before. Kara must feel it, too, because she snuggles Lena in more, like she's trying to warm her.

The truth is, Lena wasn't really  _let go_. She was put on leave for probably being some sort of emotional liability. But it kind of fucked her. It fucked her because she didn't have resources, no outlets. When she's scared, she invents. When she doesn't know what else to do, she fixes.

And maybe that's why she's been able to heal, to feel better working on this project with Cat. Kara said it herself--Lena's inventing things, fixing things, making things  _better_. And maybe that's what was helping her, and not the part where she was away from Kara.

Then again, maybe it was a little of both. Maybe she needed a clear head and a less bleary outlook.

"I'm not really sure," Kara finally says. "I shut down pretty hard, and I felt like burying myself in work was the only thing keeping my head above water, or I guess... below water?" Lena laughs and Kara nuzzles her with her nose. "In hindsight I see what to do different, but at the time. I didn't."

"We're not drunk enough," Lena says, because she's over this conversation--as in, it's happened and it was fucked and they did their best, and now they're doing their best again--and now she wants to focus on something happier. "One more extra?"

"Just  _one_ ," Kara giggles, then grips her hand hot on Lena's waist. "Kiss first?"

"It's our first date," Lena says, just to be a shitter.

Kara just smiles, blue blue eyes boring into Lena's. "Well, I asked first, didn't I? Didn't just steal one like usual."

"Well, since you  _asked_ ," Lena emphasizes, rolling her eyes, and Kara doesn't even hesitate before she has her hand tangling in Lena's hair, pulling her head forward so she can press their lips together.

The kiss is deep right from the start, Kara leading with her tongue and Lena opening her mouth for her, and. It's soft, and it's wet and tastes like champagne and Kara, and everything about it is infinitely more intoxicating than even eight of the drinks would be.

So when Kara finally pulls away, Lena actually forgets to open her eyes. She just stays suspended in time for a bit, until she feels a warm hand squeezing her thigh and opens them to find Kara smiling at her. "We're still celebrating, right?" Kara asks. "Lets get some drinks in us."

 

They end up having  _way_ too many extra drinks, of course, and half-past midnight Kara has to carry Lena back to the room. It's not even that Lena's drunk (honestly she's a heavy-weight compared to Kara), but she just wants to be in Kara's arms.

Which is a little dangerous, because Kara  _is_  drunk. As evidenced by them tipping over at least four times, and Kara actually launching Lena onto the bed once they make it inside the cabin. As if Lena weighs absolutely nothing at all.

Which, what the fuck?

Lena would be offended, truly, but as it is, she's too distracted by Kara tugging her button-down out of her pants. Too distracted by her pink, pink lips and how she's giggling like her fingers stumbling over her shirt buttons is the funniest thing in the world.

"Don't bother, just  _hurry_ ," Lena groans, after Kara fumbles over the first button for the fifth time. Then she frowns when Kara switches to struggling to toe her shoes off instead, because  _ugh_. She's wearing too many  _clothes_. 

Lena sighs dramatically and turns to curl herself in the sheet, pouting fiercely while Kara takes too long to pull her pants off now. Okay, okay--so maybe they're both a little, very drunk. But that doesn't change the fact that Kara should have been done and in bed with Lena, like, yesterday.

Lena's not even sure what she's angling for, whether she just wants to snuggle or something more, but she knows it involves Kara touching her, something that's  _not_  happening.

"Okay, all done," Kara finally says, a million years later. Pants pooled on the floor, shirt crooked, smile as bright as ever.

Then she trips towards the bed and fumbles on top of the covers, props herself up--all shaky arms and curls and smiles and giggles--and kisses Lena.

She probably can't count to ten right now, but she's  _kissing_  Lena, sloppy and uncoordinated and  _so_  good.

And it's t _his_ , this is definitely what Lena was angling for. It's a slow kiss--since Kara's so slow when she's drunk--messy and wet and soft, and Lena sort of gets too distracted by Kara's tongue licking into her mouth to realize Kara's unstable and off-center. 

That is, until Kara leans in to kiss her deeper and ends up tumbling right on top of Lena, their legs tangling together through the thin sheet, Kara's teeth scraping against her lip as she goes down.

Everything going to complete shit.

Lena tries to fix it right away, of course, wants to be kissing again more than anything. But Kara's a dead weight on top of her, heavy and solid and entirely too much muscle to bother being budged.

And of course Kara's not interested in helping herself move in the least bit.

And of course Kara would think now is the perfect time to... start sucking a bruise onto Lena's neck.

Which is fine, Lena guesses, totally, completely  _fine_. But it's so sudden, is the thing, so sharp that -  _Jesus_ , her back arches at the contact, at how slick and wet and hot Kara's mouth is on her throat, her legs clenching  _tight_  around Kara's conveniently placed thigh.

It's probably a bad idea to grind up against it, but Kara's teeth grazing against her skin fucks her up in all the right ways and Lena's only human, isn't she? So she grips her hands on Kara's hips, underneath her shirt, and uses it as leverage to shift herself up and back down again, and.

It's everything, it -  _god_  she hasn't been touched in so long - feels so fucking good, she could probably hump Kara three times and come just like that.

She's not even exaggerating--the second time she grinds against Kara's thigh, she actually manages enough pressure against her clit that she  _moans_ , loud and full and echo-y in the otherwise quiet cabin.

Kara stops mid-hickey and lifts her head, lovely mouth frozen and pretty and hanging open as she stares at Lena, lips red and puffy from all their kissing.

Her lips are red and puffy from all  _their_ kissing, because that's an option for them now. Lena could be kissing Kara right this second,  _should_  be kissing Kara right this second. So she leans up to kiss her again, but Kara pushes her back down and says, " _Lee_. It's our first date, remember?"

"Yeah, I know," Lena says, sighing a bit, because she's been saying that all night,  _yes_ , but now isn't the time for it to click in drunk Kara's head and slow them down. Lena actually  _wants_  to be kissing. "This is fine, though. Always kiss after dinner."

Kara blinks at her. Her eyelashes are incredibly long. She's so drunk she's moving in slow motion and that just, somehow, exacerbates how beautiful she is. "No, Lee," she says after a long second. "I mean, like, we had sex on our first date."

"Oh," Lena huffs, cheeks on fire, hips shifting against Kara's thigh again. It's not even on purpose, her body's just responding to Kara's puffy lips saying  _we_  and  _had_  and  _sex_. "Not really? I mean, it wasn't  _sex_  sex. You just went down on me a little bit. Then we napped."

"Okay, I'll go down on you a little bit, then we'll nap," Kara decides, shifting back clumsily like she's on a drunk mission. 

Lena tries to trap her thigh between her legs to stop her, but she doesn't have much strength compared to Kara, let's be honest, so it basically does nothing. "Kara, honey, hi. You're a little drunk, and that sounds like a bad idea. We should take it slow."

"I'll go slow, how you like it," Kara confirms, nodding her head hard enough her bangs flop over her eyes. Which is no where near the point Lena was making. "Gonna be so good, yeah?"

"No," Lena says. "I mean, objectively, yes. It will be good. But, you know, is it really  _good_? In the long run?"

Kara's definitely not following. She's trying to, Lena thinks, nibbling her lip and appearing to be somewhat listening. But it's quite obvious nothing's penetrating her brain at this point. Except  _sex_ , maybe,  _sex sex sex_.

Which Lena gets, seriously, she gets, but they're probably jumping the gun.

Kara smiles, wide and pretty around her lip, eyes brighting up even though she was just silent for maybe fifteen whole seconds, and Lena's not sure what's about to come out of her mouth, but she  _knows_  it's nothing good. "You're just, really pretty."

Lena snorts. "Is that what you were thinking that whole time? Not about what I said?"

"So pretty," Kara repeats, moving forward--and Lena can't tell if it's purposeful or if it's falling, but she ends up with her face over Lena's belly over the sheets. "That's what I thought, our first date. And then you were naked and I just. Couldn't believe I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky again."

"You're  _not_  so lucky again," Lena laughs, but Kara's lifting up and pulling the covers off of her, putting her big, warm hands on Lena's thighs and lifting her dress until it's pooled at her waist. Biting her lip hard enough as she stares, that it's only getting more and more  _red_.

Lena really, really wants to have sex with her. "This is a terrible idea, and we'll have post-sex regret in the morning."

"Post-sex cuddles," Kara corrects(?), thumbs digging into the insides of Lena's thighs as she drags her hands back down. "Nice, warm."

She's not going anyplace inappropriate yet, with her hands, so somewhere in her mind it must be clicking that Lena still hasn't said  _yes_. And, honestly, she'll probably say yes, eventually, but it's sort of fun messing with Kara.

"Why should we have sex?" Lena asks.

"Not sex," Kara says, very succinctly. "I go down a little, then we nap."

"What if that's what  _I_  want to do?" she asks, hooking her legs around Kara's hips and nudging a bit so she falls forward. Then Lena uses every ounce of strength she has to flip them so now she's straddling Kara's waist. And breathing heavily. "I go down a little on  _you_ , then we nap."

"No," Kara gushes, red as a beet almost instantly. "Me first. Then you. Then nap."

"Yeah, that's what I'm getting at, babe."

"Right," Kara says, and suddenly she's close. She's leaned up against Lena, and it's obvious she wants to flip them, so Lena kisses her and shoves her back down. Which gets her a very cute, "No?" and a sad face.

Which means she's morally obligated to lean down and kiss Kara. It's only a short kiss - shit, Kara even forgets to close her eyes - but it's  _nice_ , and it's soft and lovely and Lena's a bit breathless when she pulls up.

"Okay," Kara says immediately, biting her lower lip. She continues in a rush, "Okay, you first, but you don't have to, promise." 

She's speaking faster now, like her nerves are making her more sober, and that just makes Lena want to eat her out  _more_. Kara's usually so intense when they have sex, but she's mostly just cute when they're  _drunk._

Which is the absolute best time to be between her legs, because she forgets to try to hold back and ends up enjoying it too much (in her words).

Which translates to her usually nearly suffocating Lena with her watermelon crushers, but it's absolutely worth it.

"You don't have to say that," Lena tells her, pausing so she can slide off Kara's waist and nudge her knees so her legs tip open. Satisfied with the resulting flush that creeps up Kara's face, she says, "Have I never told you how much I really enjoy licking you out, too? How it's one of my favorite things?"

Kara shakes her head no, squirming around a bit until Lena settles down between her legs, then she opens them wider and lets her head tilt back.

"It is, god, it really is," Lena says, pressing her face against Kara's underwear, nose pushing right against her clit. Lena herself is getting pretty fucking wet at this point, but it doesn't seem relevant right now.

Kara pulls in a little gasp of a breath and, looking up at her face, Lena sees she looks like she's still not convinced, still thinks she needs to tell Lena she's not obligated. So Lena decides she just needs to make Kara feel good enough to forever cast the doubt away.

She slides her hands under Kara's thighs, up towards her waist, gets a good grip underneath her shirt, thumbs digging into Kara's hips. Then she shifts in and licks a broad strip over Kara clit, right over her underwear, slow and wet, makes sure she presses in harder just with the tip on her tongue.

Kara's eyes flutter shut and she bites her lip like she's trying to stay quiet, but she can't seem to help the moan that spills out of her when Lena does it again, this time making sure it's twice as wet. "Yeah, like it, too," she says. "Love it, so much."

"I know you do," Lena says, digging her thumbs in as she licks harder, Kara's clit so easy to find even through her underwear.

Kara makes a throaty little noise and spreads her legs wider, and Lena takes it as an invitation to slide her underwear aside, to lick out against Kara's lips  _slow_. Then she watches as Kara clenches her hands in the sheets, watches as she draws her legs up higher, thighs clenched and  _solid_.

So Lena does it again, and then again when Kara's breathing starts get straggled, and then she slides two fingers between Kara's lips, spreads her apart, and circles around her hole before she dips her tongue inside her.

Kara moans out, loud, and inches away a bit, like a reflex, before she settles down and presses into it, hips already moving against Lena's tongue. "Lee," she says, airy like she can't catch her breath. "I, you - I - please, yeah."

Lena loves her like this, flushed and falling apart beneath her, loves when Kara lets herself go. She licks her tongue up slow, fingers outlining a perfect trail to Kara's clit, and then she pulls it into her mouth, sucking gently as she swirls her tongue over the tip.

And the reaction is quite lovely--Kara's hand flies to her hair, fingers gripping it rougher than she normally would, humping up against Lena's mouth as she mumbles, " _Baby_ ," and bites down on her lip.

It's really all the encouragement Lena needs--she just closes her eyes and lets herself get lost in it, keeps herself attached to Kara's clit, playing with it incessantly, sucking and rubbing it with her slick tongue, trailing her lips over it and letting everything get messy messy messy.

She only stops when she's tired of holding Kara's underwear aside, so she nudges her to lift her hips and grabs them off, gets right back to her clit as soon as she can, pulling it back into her mouth and listening for every little sound Kara makes in response.

Lena's practically moaning herself at this point, can't stop humming against Kara, working her mouth and breathing in deep. She, like, she sort of can't believe this, can't believe they're actually--fuck, she's said this so many times, maybe, but--they're  _doing this_.

They're together now and happy and sappy and sexual, and it feels like they can work, feels like this could be good if they let it, if they just do a little better. It just feels like she's right where she's supposed to be, both figuratively and literally.

 _Literally_ , especially when Kara's legs start to tremble a bit--a tell-tale sign that she's  _close_.

Especially when Kara grips her hair tighter and holds her head still, when she lifts herself against Lena's mouth, letting Lena know  _she's doing the right thing_  and  _please don't stop_ , all without Kara having to say a word.

She's so attuned to Kara, it's weird that they were almost out in the world without each other. Forever. Weird to think she spent years learning someone's every quirk and then in just a day she didn't have them anymore. They weren't together.

She had all this knowledge about a person and it suddenly didn't mean anything. It's weird to think--if it weren't for her nearly dying, they wouldn't be here. And  _here_  is so good.  _Here_  they've talked and are working things out;  _here_  there's hope, and--

" _Rao_ ," Kara groans, thighs closing around Lena's ears, hands shoving Lena's head down until there's just darkness and Lena struggling to breathe. She should have taken a breath, probably would have been a good idea. "Jesus, god,  _baby_."

Lena knows Kara probably looks beautiful as she's coming, can't see it, but she  _knows_. Knows Kara's entire body's shaking and her arms are twitching, abs clenched tight _tight_. She knows all of this, and loves it, really, but - "Air, need air," she says, muffled, digging her blunt nails into Kara's thighs.

"Crap," Kara says. "Sorry, crap." But it still takes her a couple seconds to finally let her legs release.

Lena lifts her head, finally, and sees that Kara's even better than she imagined her--red and sweaty, eyes glassy and pupils blown, lips a deep shade of red from biting them so hard. Jesus Christ she could do this all day. "Rao? Really? During sex?" she huffs, out of breath.

"Everyone knows she's the sea goddess," Kara says, relaxing into the pillow, body going limp as she sinks into the bed. "We will respect her in this household, thank you."

"Glad to hear she loves her name being shouted out during sex. Isn't that blasphemous or something?"

"No, okay?" Kara giggles. "That's high praise coming from me mouth. Get up here, I wanna kiss you. You're even more beautiful now that I'm a bit more clear-headed."

"Such a sweet-talker," Lena says, leaning down to bite Kara's thigh before she climbs up. As soon as she's settled on top of her, though, Kara turns them over so she's resting heavy on Lena's chest. "We could just sleep, you know?"

Kara huffs and Lena giggles, because that's exactly what she was aiming for. She's wet enough her underwear's soaked through, but she still enjoys irritating Kara. "It's not even fair, you'd probably kill me if I went along with that."

"Try it out and see," Lena prods her.

"No thanks, I like living," Kara says. Then she kisses Lena a lot gentler than she's probably going to fuck her, and slides down to tug Lena's underwear off. Once she's tossed them on the floor, she gets her hands on Lena's knees and lifts an eyebrow. "I  _will_  ask if you're sure, though?"

"Course I am," Lena says, and just spreads her legs herself.

She's pretty confident, right up until Kara settles down with her face between Lena's legs, right up until she pushes Lena's legs further apart and leans in.

T _hen_  Lena feels the air from Kara's mouth brush over her clit and her entire body responds to it, belly clenching as she flinches and lets out a sound somewhere awkwardly between a yelp and a loud gush of air.

Kara just laughs and tucks her face against her thigh, blinks her bright eyes up at Lena,  _amused_.

"I'm so sorry," Lena giggles, closing her legs a bit.

Kara nudges them back apart, sprinkling kisses on the inside of her thigh. "Haven't even felt my tongue yet."

"Just anticipation?"

Lena blinks her eyes a few times to fight her nerves because she's shaky now, all of a sudden, flush tingling down here whole body, like. Shit, she can just  _feel_  the deep red settling on her cheeks and chest and down her  _belly_. 

But it's like--it's in a  _good_  way, like, Kara could touch her once and she might just break kind of way. Like, when you've been turned on for so long and you know the first touch is going to be like heaven, kind of way. She's  _there_. That's what she's feeling.

"Yeah?" Kara asks, nibbling Lena's skin into her mouth, softly, not enough to leave a bruise. "Just feel my breath and you're already shaking?"

Lena nods her head, digging her front teeth into her bottom lip because Kara's mouth is so soft and wet and warm, and she's scared she'll come just thinking about it at this point, scared she won't make it long enough to  _really_  feel it, scared Kara could just  _talk_  her into an orgasm.

She's not a kid anymore, not nineteen like when she first met Kara, but she's just as jittery as she was her first time.

She really  _did_  let Kara go down on her on their first date, just felt a level of warm and comfortable and safe that she'd never felt in her life, felt like she could trust Kara with it all. Which could've destroyed her, but Kara--she's just, she's always taken care of Lena.

Well, she did until she didn't, and maybe that's why--

"Stop thinking, baby," Kara whispers, kissing lower on her thigh each second. "Just focus on my mouth, just me, okay? Nothing else matters right now, just how you feel. Focus on feeling good."

Right. Feeling good. Right, okay.

Lena swallows and closes her eyes, lets her head tilt back once she feels Kara's breath between her legs again. And this time she doesn't flinch until she  _actually_  feels her tongue, tingles shooting through her body because it  _tickles_.

It tickles until it doesn't, tickles until the tingles are replaced with heat spreading through Lena's belly, warm and inviting,  _filling_ , and still so familiar somehow.

She missed this. She really, really missed this. She missed this so much, it's like--she must have dissociated somehow, repressed this feeling. Because now that she has it, she  _craves_ it. She wants  _this_  everyday. Every fucking day. It's hard to fathom how she went without it. 

"Just my mouth, okay?" Kara whispers, then licks her tongue flat over Lena's hole.

Lena shudders at that, shudders just thinking about Kara licking her out, the very, very illicit  _thought_  of it, let alone how it  _feels--_ messy and slow and wet wet wet.

Kara just - she never holds back, is the thing, always been eager--enthusiastic and  _willing_  when it comes to oral, when it comes to  _anything_  sexual with Lena. It's like she just enjoys making her happy, more than anything else, which-- _fuck_.

Kara slides her hands underneath Lena's thighs and grabs her waist, thumbs digging roughly into her hips.

"I mean it," she says, pressing her nose against Lena's clit. "I can tell when you're not focusing, and you don't enjoy it as much when you don't."

"Sorry," Lena says. "'m sorry."

Lena takes a deep breath and lets her body relax, spreads her legs wider, and just-- _focus, focus, focus_ \--lets herself  _feel_.

She lets herself feel everything.

There's Kara's tongue inside of her, warm and thick, not really that far in but enough that Lena feels the stretch, there's the tickle of Kara's hair against her skin, the feel of the soft sheets underneath them, the heat sitting low in her belly--heavy like it's weighting her down.

She focuses every ounce of her attention on how good she feels, how good Kara makes her feel. Focuses on the way Kara licks a strip up towards her clit, but doesn't touch it. Focuses on how the slow shifting she's doing with her hips makes the heat in her belly feel almost like it's  _too much_.

She just lets go, as best she can, lets go until she's a warm weight on the bed, limp and sweaty and happy, and she just feels  _so good_.

"I love you," she tells Kara, gripping her hand in Kara's curls and tugging. "I love you so much."

She can feel Kara smiling between her legs as soon as she says it, eyes lifting up to Lena's face. Which seems endearing, right up until it just seems smug and Kara says, "I remember someone reminding me we're  _just_ on a first date. Lets not get ahead of ourselves."

Lena responds by closing her legs around Kara's ears, pushing her head down and lifting up against her face. Getting just a  _second_  of friction against her clit before Kara pulls her legs apart and nips a bruise into her thigh.

"Riding my face is an advanced tactic," she laughs. "You didn't do that until at least the third date."

"I'm gonna kick you off the bed," Lena says, laughing so hard her belly's shaking. "Say you love me too. Say it."

"Ordering me around, well--" Kara pauses, licking her lips, which would be a normal thing except  _Lena's_  on her lips, and now it's just insanely overwhelming. "Yeah, you've been doing that since we first met, so guess we're in character again. I love you too, Lee."

"You're such a dummy," Lena says, squirming as Kara presses her lips against her clit, closed and damp.

"Yeah, a dummy in love with my fake wife," she responds, and sucks Lena's clit into her mouth right when Lena's starting to laugh.

Her breath chokes off abruptly, legs already jittery and they've barely even gotten into it yet, body responding to Kara like it's hell-set on betraying how much Lena wants to draw this out. She knows Kara would eat her out twelve times a day if she allowed it, but she just--she just wants this to go on for a little bit and it doesn't seem like she's going to make it.

"Good?" Kara asks, stopping for a second before she goes back to rubbing circles over Lena's clit with her tongue, firm and unrelenting.

"Yeah, 'ts amazing," Lena moans, hooking her thigh over Kara's shoulder and trying to angle towards her mouth for easier access. Not that Kara's ever had trouble finding anything, but she wants to just be  _right there_  for her. "Don't stop, please."

"Don't want to," Kara says, stopping anyway, kissing how sensitive Lena's getting. "You're gonna come, though. You want to do that now or a little later?"

"Now?" Lena says, because now that her clit's not in Kara's mouth, she feels cold and she wants her tongue back. But, fuck no, she can wait, doesn't want to stop this so quickly. "No, later, later's good."

"We can do fingers, then?" Kara asks, shifting so her hand's free. "Draw it out a little bit, know you like to wait for it."

Lena does, she really does, knows how good it feels if she just holds on a little longer. Fingers are technically a fifth date thing, though, but she's not going to say  _no_. "Yeah, that's--yeah. S'good."

"Nice, already forgetting basic sentence structure," Kara teases, and Lena goes to hit her with her thigh, but she doesn't get the chance.

She doesn't get the chance because Kara also chooses that moment to flutter her finger over Lena's hole and start to press inside, sinking in slowly, thickly, head lazily leaned against Lena's thigh holding her open.

It feels full. She feels full right away, with just one finger. Granted she hasn't had anything inside her for over a year, but. Kara's hands are so big, have always been, always the perfect size for Lena.

"Too much?" Kara asks, once she's slid all the way in, turning to kiss Lena's thigh and drawing Lena's eyes back to her face, where she seems concerned for some reason.

"No," Lena says, because it feels just right. If they added another finger,  _then_ , it'd be a stretch, but Lena's fine with that, too. Angling for it even. "No, it's good. I've adjusted to your size by now, you know, don't even feel it much."

Kara smiles like she has half a mind to call Lena on her bluff, but instead she says, "Oh yeah? Bet you could take another then."

Lena bites her lip and shifts her hips down, always easy to get what she wants from Kara, doesn't even have to  _try_. "Bet I could, too. Got really good at using multiple of my own. Out of necessity."

"Bet you look so pretty when you do it," Kara says, not hiding even one ounce of her genuine interest.

And. Lena feels flush immediately. She feels heated and squirmy and  _she's_  the one that started this. It's just--fuck, it's not even like she hasn't had fingers in herself in front of Kara before, or like she's not used a  _toy_  on herself for her.

After five years of marriage (four having sex) and pretty active sex drives, they've done a lot of things in the bedroom, but. But. Fucking  _but_. Kara always gets to her somehow, always gets her to this point of feeling so open and vulnerable and just  _wanting_  to be that way  _for_  Kara.

Problem is, they just started doing this again, and she still feels squishy and a little guarded inside, and she just. She just wants to hold back a little, keep  _something_  to herself for now. Like a safety net. Like a what if--insert all the bad things--comes up.

She doesn't want to give it all away too fast and end up dropping just as hard as she did before. Which is a dumb thought to have with Kara's head between her legs, and her leg over Kara's shoulder, and Kara prodding a second finger at her entrance like a question.

Either way, Lena knocks her heel against Kara's back and just ignores the statement. "Yeah, put it in, want it. Please."

"This officially takes us into the sixth date," Kara says, pulling out a bit so she can press back in with the added finger. She does it so slow, Lena nearly whines with frustration. 

"Fifth date," she corrects, squirming around Kara's fingers and letting her eyes slip closed because yeah,  _yeah_. Anywho, she'd remember which date it was, wouldn't she? Is the one being stretched and all.

"Yeah for fingers in general, but sixth for  _two_. Remember you wanted to work up to it?" Right. Oh. That's - that's right because feeling as full, as stretched, as she does now would have been a  _lot_  lot. "Hard and slow? How you like it."

"No, fast and fluttery, like the devil playing a fiddle," Lena laughs.

Kara snorts so hard Lena can feel it reverberate through her fingers. "I - crap - I love you so much, you know?" she says, twisting her fingers a bit inside Lena. "And I swear I'm going to spend the rest of my life proving that, making you feel as amazing as you actually are."

Then she sits up without bothering to take Lena's leg off her shoulder, and fucks her fingers into her, thrusting up firm against Lena's spot just like Lena likes it.

"I know it's a lot to ask," Kara says after a second, taking her time as she pulls out. "But I swear you'll enjoy it more if you just, you know, like, you know? I'm not gonna hurt you, honest. I'll take care of you like always."

Lena knows what Kara's asking, she does, but  _that's_  the piece she wants to hold back. Sure, she can like, let go, right now, but she's doesn't want to  _let go_. Or, rather, she does, but. She's - she feels so unsure Kara's going to catch her and she's never felt that before.

She's never been unsure with Kara before and it just makes her feel a bit weird.

Kara fucks into her again, firm enough Lena's belly clenches and she feels like her eyes are turning backwards, and  _fuck_. It'd be so easy to just let go, though, to fade out, let the haze take over. To just let Kara  _have_  her, to take whatever Kara wants to give. It'd be so easy.

It's always been so easy.

She doesn't know though. She just doesn't. Fuck. Fuck _fuck_. 

Lena shakes her head and tries to refocus, squeezes around Kara's fingers so she can feel the drag when she pulls out, presses her hips down into the mattress so Kara's  _really_  hitting her spot. And it feels good, amazing even, but it does shit-all to clear her head.

She wants to do what Kara's asking, w _ants_  to, she does. She should - should probably--

"Hey," Kara says, shrugging Lena's leg off her shoulder and slipping her fingers out. Lena nearly makes some sort of miserable sound, but Kara starts nudging her hips. "Let's get flipped over, on your belly for me. It's always better that way, yeah?"

Lena turns over without even thinking about it, getting her knees beneath her and sticking her ass up like it's ingrained muscle memory. Before she can even let herself breathe properly, chest stuttering with anticipation, Kara starts to slide her fingers back in, and.

Yeah,  _yes_ , it's so good. Always better like this.

She always feels more filled up this way, always likes being able to rock her hips back, being able to fuck herself on Kara's fingers and  _only_  Kara being able to see it.

"Kara," Lena says, soft, like she subconsciously just wanted to hear the name out of her mouth. Then she pokes her ass higher and sinks her face further into the pillow, breathing getting a bit harder, but it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because she's  _actually_  starting to slip away, brain drifting on it's own, deciding for her. Which is something Kara must notice, because it earns Lena some praise. "Good, baby," mumbled so softly, Lena wouldn't have heard it if her whole world weren't Kara right now.

She just - she wants this so much, more praise, to turn off, to be open for Kara. Wants it so much she keeps trying to spread her legs wider, keeps trying to arch her back more, keeps going until she feels the sting of the stretch, until she's whining Kara's name into the pillow without even realizing it.

Until her heart feels like it's thud-ud-udding through her skull, ears straining for every little sound because she just wants to hear Kara's voice, wants Kara to talk to her as she fucks her.

She wants to hear it, just wants to hear it--and then she  _gets_  it.

"I'm here," Kara finally says, and Lena feels like she can exhale. "You're doing so good, so good for me, baby." The words don't roll out of her mouth in the comfortable way they have in the past. Obvious they haven't - haven't done  _this_  in a long time, but Lena knows they'll get there. "Just like this. Just stay like this."

" _Kara_ ," she whimpers, pressing back against her fingers until they're as far in as they can get, Kara's name floating out of her lips--over and over and over--as if it's just the sound of her breath at this point.

Instead of responding, Kara holds her hip and steadies her, then pulls out slow and presses back in hard. Then she does it again and again, faster, until she's properly fucking her, rocking Lena enough she feels like her brain's rattling along with her body.

"Good, so good, baby," Kara whispers. "So perfect, just like this."

 _There_  it is. That's what Lena was waiting for. Hearing it, though, just makes her want to be  _more_ perfect, make Kara  _more_  proud, do  _more_ , but she doesn't know how, doesn't know what more she can do.

Except come. She could come for Kara, could do that.

She could do it just like this, without even having her clit touched, could do it with just the fingers and then go back to Kara's mouth. She could be really  _good_ , come twice back to back. So good just for Kara, hasn't been in so long and it's all she wants.

She's already starting to sweat a bit, eyelashes damp when she blinks, and it only feels like everything's getting hotter the longer Kara fucks her, fast and hard and  _so_ so consistent.

It's like Lena can't breathe, like her chest is drawn tight, like she's just  _stuck_ because she can't get a break from feeling so  _good._ The rhythm's so easy to fall into, though, helps Lena time her own movements--when to steady herself, when to push back.

So it's only fitting that, as soon as she's really starting to zone out, as soon as she's used to it, Kara decides to switch it up--keeps her fingers pressed deep inside Lena, spreading them apart and twisting them, curling them until Lena's desperate and begging into her pillow.

She's not even sure what she's asking for, but keeps switching between  _pleasepleaseplease_ and panting out Kara's name.

She almost t _oo_  full, too stretched, with Kara's fingers pressing outwards even though they're already bigbig _big_ , and it's like - like Kara's just keeping her suspended, like she's making Lena wait for something and Lena's too spaced to even realize what it is.

And then it hits her. Like a jolt. A tingly feeling in her stomach and her chest and her inner thighs, growing until it's full-force and  _strong,_  so strong she can't move. Can only grip her hands in the sheets and hold on.

Kara's keeping her fingers inside Lena just thrusting against h _er spot_ quickly, firm and sure, and Lena feels like she can't make a noise. Her mouth is hanging open but she can't suck in enough air, can't seem to get a handle on her body.

She's just shaky and tight as a bow string, and it feels like heat's pulsing through her in waves strong enough to break her in half.

But it goes on so long she's not sure how she's holding together, goes on so long her brain starts actually fizzing out, goes on so long she starts seeing stars from having her eyes squeezed so tight.

And she doesn't even register she's been coming for a while until her body finally...  _stops_.

Until she finally collapses into the bed, hair sweat-slicked to her forehead, mouth and lips  _wet_ , so wet it's dripping to her chin. And now that the air's hitting her, she feels cold and slick between her legs, too, and on her thighs and ass and even her dress is sweated to her skin and she just feels  _so_  fucking filthy and exhausted.

So when Kara gets her hands under Lena's hips and lifts them higher, when Lena feels Kara's tongue slide up from her clit to her hole and circle around in how absolutely  _messy_  she is, she crawls away so fast her head hits against the headboard.

And suddenly Kara's on top of her, snuggling her, draped over Lena's back and kissing her hair, holding her  _tight._  And all Lena can think about is the time Kara fucked her like this, with the strap, held her down and fucked her deep and slow, and  _fuck_.

It's like her brain's broken and she just wants Kara to fix it.

" _Kara_ ," she whines, eyes tearing like she just might cry. "Kara, please. I need--"

"I know, baby," Kara says, sliding off Lena and rubbing her back. She reaches for her hands, which are still clinging to the sheets so tightly they might be stuck there. But Kara takes her time and pulls them up, grabs Lena into a hug so her face is pressed against Kara's chest.

And then she settles them down into a cuddle and Lena finally starts to feel like she can breathe again.

 

The next morning, she wakes up happy, satisfied and cheerful and settled. She stretches herself out and rubs her eyes, running her hand over her face and then gasping when she reaches down and grabs a head of hair.

Kara's pretty much dead to the world on top of her, face smashed against Lena's boobs, probably drooling. But Lena doesn't mind, she's just.

She's  _happy_. She's happy she got Kara back, happy they're getting back to okay, just happy.

And if now's the first time she's waking up, and it's morning, then she must not have had a nightmare last night.

So she's happy about that, too.

 

**\+ Bonus**

"This is the worst one," Lena says. "The worst. If I couldn't do tug-of-war, what makes you think I can leap across a field in a sack?"

"You literally just have to make it to me, and I'll win it," Kara smiles, rubbing her thumb across the hickey she left on Lena's neck last night, making Lena's belly particularly fluttery. "They're keeping a tally, like points from all the games. The couple with the most at the end wins."

Oh, what the shit, Lena didn't know that. "We better win this, then," she says, grabbing her sack off the ground from where she threw it earlier. Back when she was huffy, like, two minutes ago. "Could you do both legs? Like hop to me, then hop back."

"No," Kara says. "We already talked about this. It's required two people."

"Fine," Lena sighs. "I'll do the stupid sack race. But we're not doing anything else but hang out until the big interview this evening."

"Yeah, okay," Kara says, pinching at her lip. "What are we gonna say in that, by the way? I feel like we pretty much gave out all our good lines doing everything else."

Lena shrugs. "Doesn't matter, right? Valerie's more interested in collaborating on diving technology, anyway. I think she gives fuck-all about the interview. Besides, people just want to see our faces at this point."

"Maybe we should do something interesting," Kara says, folding her arms like she's thinking.

"Yeah, like pick tonight to tell the whole world we're not actually married."

Kara snorts. "Okay, but like, what if we were, though? Actually."

"Yeah, eventually, we might again," Lena says, fiddling with the sack material. "I mean I want to, but I also want to make sure we work together, like even when it's bad."

"No," Kara says slowly. "I mean, what if we're still  _actually_  married. Like, right now? What if you forgot to sign the divorce papers when you mailed them to me."

"Whatever," Lena laughs, rolling her eyes, but Kara just keeps a straight face.  _Kara keeps a straight face_. If this were a joke she'd be cracking by now. She's shit a jokes. Shit.  _Fuck_. Lena tries to search her brain for the day she sent them out, but it's all a blur. "Fuck, Kara,  _what_?"

"Sorry," Kara says, cheeks pinking up. "I didn't know how--I couldn't contact you, you just  _left_ , and I--I don't know, Lena. I'm so sorry. I didn't know when's a good time to tell you, but--"

"Holy shit, Kara, are you serious?" Lena feels like her chest is pounding with her heartbeat, feels like she's out of breath, like the world is spinning. Like, it's not the end of the world, not terrible, she just. She just. 

 _Kara's_  just... laughing now. Holy fuck. She's fucking - she's  _laughing_. God. "You're a fucking asshole," Lena says.

"That was  _so_  good," Kara says, laughing so hard she's red. "You should see your face. I've never seen so much, like,  _pure_  horror."

"I'm never marrying you again," Lena decides. Right in this moment, she's sure of that. "I'm never, oh my god, you're terrible. I have heart problems, you know that."

"Since when?" Kara asks, voice a squeak, laughing so hard she's near tears now. "You're perfectly healthy enough for a good joke."

Lena cannot handle this. She slides her ring off her finger and nearly throws it on the ground, but she doesn't legitimately want to lose it so she slides it in her pocket. "I want a fake divorce from our fake marriage. And I swear, we're never--"

"Aw,  _hey_ ," Kara says, finally breaking her laughter, finally deciding she doesn't want to be an asshole anymore, grabbing Lena's waist to pull her into a kiss. "We  _have_  to get married again, never got a chance to give you your ring."

Lena folds her arms and lifts a single eyebrow.

"Yeah," Kara continues, running her hand through her hair. "So I may have actually bought you a ring, like four months before you proposed to me. But I was too nervous, so when  _you_  did it out of impatience, I just - I didn't want to admit I'd waited so long and  _already_  had the ring."

Which is simultaneously the dumbest and cutest thing Lena's ever heard, and sort of makes up for the divorce joke. Sort of.

"Fine," she sighs, taking her ring out of her pocket and sliding it back on her finger. "But if you really want to start up another prank war, then it's your funeral. I'm not holding back, just like last time."

"I've already got the rules drafted up on my phone," Kara says, pulling Lena into a warm, warm hug. "Trust me, I'm ready this time. Promise."

**Author's Note:**

> im over on tumblr: [here](https://valkyrieskwad.tumblr.com/) if you wanna talk to me (((8


End file.
